People talk to me a lot about forgiveness and how it should be standard protocol. I am going to be honest, I first must learn to forgive myself, and I have much to atone for. I will work on me and then someday I will get on with the business of facing those who hurt me. Another truth……most of my hurt in those situations came by own actions and inactions, my inability to let go, and the twisted belief that I could change situations that were set in stone. To somehow change how people truly felt about me and the hold something together that was never meant to be. I wanted, no needed, people to understand what is was I was experiencing and going through, and they didn’t. My sensitivity took over my common sense and I have paid for it but even after all that, I would not change my sensitivity for anything. I was born that way and will stay that way, it is my job to learn how to manage it though. To step away and work on myself. That is what I have been doing and will continue to do, I have some amazing people in my corner and love me for the real me. My soul is on a journey not many understand, the only person I am accountable to is ME! To my husband and my kids. Forgiveness is a choice, a major commitment to truly release the pain and shame. It takes time, work, and self love. Picking up the pieces of your broken heart and mending them as best you can. As I face life long illness’s and damage I can not fix, my priorities are not the same as others. I have dreams to fulfill and a family to raise, I have places to go and experiences to witness. I am freeing myself from bonds that are not mine to hold together and finding a love for myself I have never had before. To accept myself and change what needs to be, to be healthy and happy, and to help others find hope and light in the darkness. To know when to dim that light and sit in the darkness without being afraid of getting lost. To love all the imperfect parts of myself and be thankful for each day!
The mental anguish is excruciating, frustrating, and debilitating. I smile but it is behind sad eyes, the pain is all consuming. My sensitivity spreads like wildfire, scorching everything in it’s path. I am fighting with everything I have but can not break the surface of despair. Drowning in sorrows that are not even my own sometimes. My heart breaks over and over, sending shards of the remains through my veins. This is what depression and anxiety feels like for me, my very own prison, in which I remain. A vicious cycle of sadness and anger for which I try to escape. It takes planning, prayer, and faith. It requires time, tears, and heartbreak. Eggshells are insignificant as I walk on broken glass, bleeding as the pieces tear at my skin. Add fuel to the fire and I will burn everything around me to ash. Be gentle with me or walk away, every little thing amounts to something so much bigger than one person can take. I will fight for myself and leave others in my wake. I hope one day the wounds will heal and the scars that remain will be a symbol of that strength. To leave others behind will be my greatest heartache yet time heals most things and that is a risk I am willing to take.
Hey! So these samples where taken in mid November, I recieved the results a month later, and now after processing them I will share them with you. This will give insight into what I have been dealing with, suffering from, and hopefully help shed light for anyone who may be sick and need direction on where to find help. I am still undergoing testing to confirm multiple diagnosis’s and how to treat them, if possible in some cases.
It has been 100% confirmed I have a female testosterone deficiency.
Likely 83% Female hormone support
Likely 71% Metabolic syndrome
Possible 59% Metabolic acidosis
Possible 60% Hypoglycemia
Possible 67% Increased cardiovascular Risk
Possible 58% Immune Insufficiency
Possible 57% Secondary Hypothyroidism
Possible 55% Hyperlipidemia
Possible 50% Thyroid Conversion Issues
I suffer from chronic inflammation, compromised thyroid and adrenal function, possible dysbiosis of the gut, compromised intestinal digestion: fungus overgrowth and inflammation of the gut. I will put an asterik next to the symptoms I suffer from…..
I have 3 alarm high results-
Thyroglobulin Abs is a protein produced by the follicular cells in the thyroid gland to produce Thyroxine(T4) and Triiodothyronine(T3). They are immune cells that attack the in the thyroid. Elevated levels are found in patients with Hashimoto’s and Grave’ disease. Optimal range is 0.00-1.00 mine is 10.30.
MCH (The Mean Corpuscular Hemoglobin) is a calculated value and is expression of the average weight of hemoglobin per red blood cells. It is a sign of anemia and B12/folate deficiency and hypochlorhydria. When levels are high, indicates my red blood cells are enlarged. Symptoms include tiredness*, pale skin*, fast heartbeat*, brain fog*, confusion*, memory loss*, amd weight loss*. Optimal range is 28.00-31.90 mine is 34.50.
I have a severe and high risk Omega 3 deficiency which caused my hair to fall out, insomnia, poor concentration, fatigue, joint pain, and dry skin. Range is 2.66-12.65 mine is 1.17. These omega results came from a separate report.
Above Optimal Range-
Anion gap is the measurement of the difference between the sum of the sodium and potassium levels and the sum of the serum CO2/bicarbonate and chloride levels. Increased levels are associated with thiamine deficiency and metabolic acidosis. Optimal range is 7.00-12.00 mine is 17.00
Triglycerides/HDL Ratio is determined serum triglycerides and HDL levels. Increased ratios are associated with increased risk of developing insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes. Optimal range is 70.00-80.00 mine is 167.00.
Thyroid Peroxidase (TPO) Abs is an enzyme inside the cells of the thyroid that attaches to iodine molecules to a tyrosine molecule to form T4. Elevated levels are found in Autoimmune Thyroiditis such as Hashimotos’s Thyroiditis. Optimal range is 0.00-6.80 mine 13.00.
Triglycerides- Serum triglycerides are composed of fatty acid molecules that enter the blood stream either from the liver or from the diet. Levels will be elevated in metabolic syndrome, fatty liver, in people with an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, hypothyroidism, and adrenal dysfunction. Optimal range is 0.00-2.00 mine is 3.48.
Reticulocyte count- A reticulocyte is a young, immature blood cell. An increased count indicates that an increased production of red blood cells is occurring in the bone marrow in response to premature destruction or loss. Optimal range is 0.05-1.50 mine is 2.20.
LDL Cholesterol known as bad cholesterol. It is associated with metabolic syndrome, oxidative stress and fatty liver. Optimal range is 80.00-100.00 mine is 106.00.
Insulin-Fasting- commonly known as resistance and is associated with increased levels of insulin in the blood. Excess insulin is associated with greater risk of heart attack, stroke, metabolic syndrome and diabetes. Optimal range is 2.00-5.00 mine is 9.50.
RBC-Female- The RBC count determines the total number of red blood cells or erythrocytes found in a cubic millimeter of blood. The carry oxygen from the lungs to the body tissue and transfer carbon dioxide from the tissues to the lungs. Increased levels are associated with dehydration*, stress*, need for vitamin c and respiratory distress. Optimal range is 3.90-4.50 mine 4.70.
Monocytes- are white blood cells that are the bodies second line of defense against infection. Levels rise at the with a chronic infection. Optimal range is 4.00-7.00 mine is 7.20.
MCV- is a measurements of volume of an average red blood cell. An increase shows anemia. Is associated with B12, folate, and vitamin C deficiency.
Homocysteine- a molecule formed from the incomplete metabolism of the amino acid methionine. An increase raises the risk of cardiovascular disease by causing damage to the lining of the arteries. Meaning by arteries are inflamed, causing depression and inflammatory bowel disease, among other things. Optimal range is 0.00-7.20 mine is 8.00.
Progesterone-Female Optimal range is 18.00-27.00 mine is 0.07 symptoms include headaches*, migraines* ,hot flashes*, thyroid dysfunction*, weight gain, fibroids, low libido in non pregnant women
Free T3– is the most active thyroid hormone and is primarily produced from the conversion of T4 in the peripheral tissue. Levels may be decreased with hypothyroidism and is associated with selenium deficiency. Optimal range is 3.00-3.50 mine is 2.60.
CO2- Carbon dioxide is a measure of bicarbonate in the blood. CO2, as bicarbonate, is available for acid-base balancing. Bicarbonate neutralizes acids in the body. Decreased levels are associated with metabolic acidosis. Optimal range 25.00-30.00 mine is 21.00.
Testosterone Total-Female. In woman, low totals have been linked to an increased risk for osteoporosis, decreased lean body mass* and decreased libido. Optimal range is 35.00-45.00 mine 27.70.
Testosterone Free-Female. Optimal range is 1.00-2.20 mine is 0.27.
Alkaline Phosphatase(ALP) is a group of isoenzymes that originate in the bone, liver, instestines, skin, and placenta. Decreased levels of ALP have been associated with zinc deficiency. Optimal range is 70.00-100.00 mine is 55.00
Cortisol-PM The serum cortisol test is used to identify dysfunction in the adrenal gland. Decreased levels are associated with adrenal insufficiency. Optimal range is 6.00-10.00 mine is 4.10 symptoms include •low blood pressure*, •dizziness*, •salt cravings*, •hypoglycemia*, •nausea*, •diarrhea, •vomiting•GI issues*.
DHEA-S Female. Is produced primarily from the adrenals and is the most abundant circulating steroid in the human body and influences more than 150 known anabolic(repair) functions throughout the body and brain. Decreased levels are associated with conditions such as disease of the nervous system, cardiovascular, and immune systems such as metabolic syndrome, mood disorders, amd sexual dysfunction. Optimal range is 275.00-390.00 mine is 220.70.
Globulin- constitute the body’s antibody system and the total globulin is a measurement of all the individual globulin fractions in the blood. Decreased levels are associated with inflammation in the digestive system and immune insufficiency. Optimal range is 2.40-2.80 mine is 2.30.
Vitamin D– Optimal range is 50.00-100.00 mine is 38.70. Symptoms include increased risk of infections and getting sick often*, fatigue*, bone and back pain*, depression*, bone loss, hair loss*, and muscle pain*.
TSH– or thyroid stimulating hormone is a hormone produced by the anterior pituitary to control the thyroid gland’s production of T4, to store T4 and to release it into the bloodstream. TSH synthesis amd secretion is regulated by the release of TRH(thyroid releasing hormone) from the hypothalamus. TSH levels describe the body’s desire for more T4 and T3 which is done in relation to the body’s need for energy. A low TSH reflects the body’s low need for thyroid hormone. Optimal TSH levels, in a normally functioning pituitary, can tell us the amount of T4 in the blood match the body’s current need and/or ability to utilize the energy necessary for optimal cell function. Optimal range is 1.30-3.00 mine is 1.18.
Creatinine- is produced primarily from the contraction of muscles and is removed by the kidneys. Decreased levels are associated with muscle loss. Optimal range 0.80-1.10 mine is 0.78.
Ok so there it is……I have began taking all natural supplements for the vitamin deficiencies including Omega Monopure 1300EC and vitamin D. I have also cut my steroid pills(which were turning my adrenal glands to stone) from 2 pills 2x daily to a quarter pill once a day with the help of an adrenal tonic 1tsp 2x a day. I take 5 drops of progesterone 2x daily under the tongue and panplex2 for gastric and instestinal digestive support.
I cut out diary, grains, corn, soy products, and processed sugar and I feel much better. My energy levels are increasing even with debilitating fatigue and my gastric issues have also decreased. I drink 3 liters of alkaline water daily and rest as much as my busy life will allow. This lifestyle change takes dedication, determination,and sacrifice. I am here to tell you that is hard yet worth it!
I am currently waiting on the results of my Dutch test and will be having a GI map later this month. I will share those in follow up posts as I get them. Please do your research, seek out a legit functioning medicine or naturopathic doctor, and start taking your health seriously!! If anyone has any questions or need a referral to my doctors, please message me and I will be happy to help!
Hey everyone! I know I have shared a lot about what has been going in my life over the last two years. The pain, the sickness, my inner most thoughts and feelings. Things I have rarely spoken out loud about and now I am sharing them for the world to see…. it is really scary and freeing all at the same time. I had a major life changing awakening, three months of journeying, journaling, and then it all came crashing down. Slowly at first then like an avalanche, getting buried inside as you get hit from all sides. A struggled just to survive, I curled up inside and infected my body and mind. My ego and heart collided. Releasing the soul within the vessel I reside.
The extent of the damage is severe, I fight with everything I have deep inside to keep surviving and thriving, then sometimes shut down and revive. When I started writing a few years ago at the very same moment in time, I purged all the feelings inside all the way back to before I was one year old. Again, things trapped deep inside where the deep pain and shame resides. 35 years worth of a life, put on display by my own hand, so I have no one to blame. Fate has whispered my name and this was the plan. My past, present, and future all collided like a flaming supernova from which I came. I lost a great deal of people I still hold in my heart, I broke the chains holding me down and there was devastation in it’s wake. For that I will forever be sorry and must forgive myself and others to truly be awake.
Sounds all kinds of crazy but that is ok! Crazy is sane these days…..makes sense if you choose to look at it that way. So anyways, just wanted to share this with you and thank you so much for reading. There will be much more soon, I am getting better most everyday, healing the fractures that remain. I have so much hope that 2019 will be the year that gold fills the broken pieces and I realize my dreams, for hope is a beautiful thing. Writing like crazy, I have a lot to sort through. Crazy because I never put pen to paper before in my whole life. I woke up a poet one day and as you can see, it has stayed with me, for that is a blessing. Must have been all the stories I read, that live in my head. For the story is never truly over even after The End. ~Jennifer Steen
*The featured image is one of my favorite works of art and I would love to have the concept tattooed as a half sleeve with other elements of my life. It perfectly represents what it feels like to me, the serene resilience, as the war rages inside. If anyone knows who the artist is, I would really like to know! Thank you!!
So there has been a lot of talk about my mental state over the last few months, even years for that matter and I have been candid about them and what I have been dealing with. Apparantly I need to set the record straight and I have no hesitation in doing so. When I started this journey, I promised to be open and to share my story in the hopes that it helped others….not to play victim. So let’s get started.
I recently had a neuropsychological evaluation, I had three very intense sessions, and here are the results…..
Personality and Emotional Functions
“There were significant elevations on multiple scales, which suggest a person with significant anxiety, depression, and concerns about somatic functioning”.
“She sees her life as being severely disrupted by a variety of physical problems and her poor health is a major component of her self image. Her somatic complaints are to the extent that they render her incapable of performing even minimal role expectations. She is impulsive and emotionally liable, and endorses a high degree of anxiety. Her anxiety is persistent and trait-like and reflects a dispositionally low threshold for the experience of events as dangerous or threatening. She endorses anxious reactions to a history of a traumatic stressors”.
“She reports experiencing notable distress in her life at present. She reports being self-conscious in social interactions and is probably not skilled at asserting herself. She is probably uncomfortable being the focus of attention”.
Summary and Impressions
“Jennifer’s personality testing indicates severe and debilitating levels of anxiety and distress as well as focus on her health problems. Given this anxiety, she is more prone to be internally focused, and not notice physical tension more readily than a person without anxiety. When she feels tension building, she pays more attention to the physical sensations of this stress. Not only does she report a large number of vague and complicated somatic complaints, but also a high degree of focus on her health. She sees her problems as complex and difficult to treat. Her personality is such that she is likely to be resistant to a psychological interpretation of her symptoms. However, characterologically, she deals with stress via repression. She may not psychological experience herself as anxious, but she has a very low threshold for tolerating events that are stressful.”
“Jennifer likely had some risk factors for development of anxiety and depression, namely a strong family history and the precipitating factor appears to have been a history of past traumas as well as familial stressors.”
Investigation of the validity indices does not suggest any overt attempts on impression management, carelessness, or inattention to detail, or inconsistentency in responding. In fact, Jennifer’s low T-score on the Positive Impression Management scale suggests that she was candid in her responses. Her profile should be considered an accurate reflection of her current state.
I think some have been under the impression that I am too stupid to know my own self, therefore it is there job to tell me. News flash, I am very self aware, just because I know, does not mean I can fix things overnight. I have my recommendations and I will follow through with them so again, no need to throw it in my face while in an arguement, ok?! Might want to look in the mirror for some reflection.
I admit that I have shut myself away to protect myself and others, it’s been lonely and hard to handle. I pick and choose my battles carefully, and while I do not always execute them in the best way, it is always with the best of intentions. To those who have stuck by me, fought with me, and dealt with me….. I am humbled and grateful! For those that did not, I am thankful!
I have some medical updates that I will be sharing soon and will give some more insight into what has been going with my health….stay tuned and thank you for reading!
I woke up really sad today
Holding onto things I can not change
Maybe I can but it would not be the same
All this time later
I finally process the pain
It aches so much
That it continues to this day
The hurt and the pain
The unspoken words
Like a slap to the face
I reacted in the moment
Now I must pay the price
It will be worth it in the end
We all must walk the road
Trying to not get lost along the way
However it is inevitable
For we all are not perfect
Or completely sane
Winds like a willow
For trees breathe
Like you and me
Soft as the grass
That surely grows
Like you and me
Soothing as a river
For all to see
A bright colored sky
Looking out for you and me
The warm rays of sun
Brightening all the dark
Within you and me
I lay down on mother earth
And am thankful to just be here With you and me