January 16, 2017
The feelings that are inside
The pain is gone
But the scars still remain
Never far away
Let the peace wash over me
The feelings that are inside
A renewal for the soul
Anguish is now gone
And hope remains~ Jennifer Steen
For the previous three months things were better than they had been in a very long time. I was changing, planning for the future, while letting go of the past. I was writing like crazy and I felt truly free for the first time in years.
One phone call changed everything, I knew I should have stopped and paid more attention to my instincts. Stopped my business plans and just slowed down. Yet nothing could have prepared me for what I would face, it came so fast and I was not prepared. I had become content and did not continue my self care and I payed for it dearly. No ones fault but my own on that one. In a few short weeks, with the world crashing in from all sides. On March 22nd I went to the ER with severe chest pains and a panicky feeling I could not control. I felt sick and shaky, of course the doctor on call thought I was a drug addict and blew me off. A few days later, I woke up in the early hours of the morning, to the same attack that had happened 7 months prior. Only worse! It was so traumatic that I have a hard time remembering details but I will never forget the pain and the fear. Holding onto my daddy’s dog tags and begging for more time. I was hospitalized again, sedated, and test were run. Nothing. Nada. I was told to take my anxiety pills, one week of bed rest, and reduce my stress level Ha! As if!
For privacy purposes I will not talk about the specifics that were going on also at that time, but things were hard. I am not opposed to hardships but man this one tough. It was the most imperfect perfect storm that I never fully recovered from, turns out I was also experiencing what is known as adrenal crisis. I will not deny that my mind broke for awhile. I am still picking up the pieces today.
In May, one week after coming home from a cruise, I woke up in the middle of the night, passed out in the hallway. Anytime I drank alcohol I became violently sick. All these strange aches and pains were occurring more frequently. I would get dizzy often and disoriented. In July, I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink and take some meds because I had a slight headache. As I shut the fridge and turned around, my whole body went numb from head to toe, my vision went black, and the next thing I know I woke up slumped against the fridge. All I could hear were loud chirping sounds in my head, I did not even realize I had passed out. I crawled through the house, climbed in bed and went to sleep. Obviously I had a nasty concussion but still no answers as to why this was happening.
Thankfully the symptoms slowed down by August of 2017 and my stress level was more leveled out. I honestly knew in the back of my mind that something was seriously wrong but I just kept trucking on and doing my best to keep my family together and to recover from the trauma of the last few months. I had responsibilities and I was becoming tired of hearing doctors and peers tell me to get over it, like I was making this all up. Even as I relieve these memories, it still brings tears to my eyes but I am going to keep going. I will be back soon with part 3 of the story! Thank you for reading and ✌🏼❤