family · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Hard days and wondering nights

So it seems I have had a little bit of writers block. Maybe? Or I am just taking things at my pace for once….not sure yet but such is how my mind works. Never knowing between my head and my heart. They both hurt, so they are limping along the way.

Things have been hard. Like really hard. I am still sick more often than not. I am bone tired and bewildered. I truly feel like Alice in Wonderland but with a mountain of responsibilities and so many different paths to travel all at the same time. How in the heck am I going to stay true to who I am and what I need? That is not selfish! The best thing we can do for others is to do for ourselves first. So we can be present and aware. Even through the pain and suffering, setbacks, mishaps…….. perhaps 🤷‍♀️

In the Wonderland of my mind
Like Alice
Seeking absolution
The White Rabbit
Leading me into the abyss
Falling down a black hole
Fighting my way out
The potion
Transforming me
My favorite caterpillar
Wasting the memories away
The Mad Hatter
The craziness within
The Red Queen
The darkness within
The White Queen
The light that shines within
We are all but a memory now
In Wonderland
~Jennifer Steen

I am desperately trying to live in both realities. I dreamed of this while in Florida last January. Being pulled into two different dimensions and everyone vying for me on each side. I have previously kept a dream journal, I do not remember mine much anymore, so it has not been used in some time. Here is that entry-

New years eve- kept astral projecting and could not control it. I would be in a location(cabin full of people) and then go into a trance but my mind would be somewhere else. I would come back and everyone just acted like it was no biggie or annoying. People drinking, deer killing themselves by hitting large doors and fences walling off a compound. Terry was there and kept an eye on me, Josh seemed annoyed, and everyone else just acted weird. When I was in the other realm everyone ignored me and always a conflict going on. Had 3 dreams separately but each one picked up where the other stopped

Hope you enjoyed that journey into my dream lol that is the first time I have ever shared one publicly. Feel special, because YOU ARE!! Anyways, I do not take that a good or bad thing just unusual.

Physically I am suffering, mentally is a 50/50. My brain is sound but the nerves may not be, we will see soon. Emotionally scarred but intellegant enough to know the difference between innocence and intent. I do not need to be coddled, just treat me as me. With care and with caution, especially of you think I am still the old me.

These hard days and nights, give me fright, I can not lie. My days are filled with coping and being as present as possible. Taking pictures, writing, trying to potty train a stubborn three year old 🤣 keeping up with two teenagers and an endless supply of fresh drama 🤦‍♀️

At night I lay awake, meditating my worries away. Saving some for another day, a day where I feel well and able to face the day. It is a coping mechanism you see, it works for me. It seems not so much for others I see. I am very sorry, I mean no harm. I just do not have time for bullshit and empty words are just not for me. I love you all really, just give me some time or simply help and you will see. No expectation leads to no disappointment in only some cases. Expect greatness and watch it come to be. Do not however expect from others. Take what you are given and be grateful, most do not turn away to hurt you. Even so, do no harm. They are on another path, let them go until if and when it is time to meet again. Not everyone is good for each other, we change like the tides 🌊 that brings me to my love of the ocean, I miss you dear friend! I am trying so hard to get closer to you, at this point even the mountains would do, I live them just as much as I love you! ⛰

Hmmmm looks like no more writers block for me…..thank you all for reading my ramblings and inner feelings. Yeah shit is super hard right know but I will always find the silver sea shells in the white sand 🏝💋


4 thoughts on “Hard days and wondering nights

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