Early last year I thought I had everything figured out, finally lol, but reality gave me a huge wake up call. I in fact had only begun to scratch the surface of understanding. Facing my past, how it affects my present, and ultimately my future. In a race to make my dreams a reality, I quickly lost sight of the big picture. I became unfocused, scared, and depressed. My family almost feel apart and I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I failed, plain and simple, and that was what bothered me the most. I failed my children, my friends, my family, and myself.
I often ask myself what was the purpose of this? Why was this happening to me? Was it for clarity, punishment, karma, etc. At this point, I still do not have all the answers but my best answer is I had to learn a lesson, a hard one. One that tested everything I thought I knew about the world, the people in it, and most importantly myself. I can only do so much at a time, I can not save everyone, and my place in this world is in the present. Do I have more to give? Yes! Is the future important? Yes! Do I have to be successful to matter? Depends on ones definition of success, for me, it is getting out of bed each day and facing the challenges presented to me.
My chronic pain, my anxiety, when is the next time I will pass out and give myself a concussion for reasons still unknown and will my kids be there to see it again. When will I find the strength to do what needs to be done to find the purest form of myself, the happy medium I desperately want and need? Well truthfully it has to come from within, this I know, and understand.
The challenge is wading through the years of social conditioning and releasing the bindings to people and situations that only serve to drag me down. It is a battle of wills and personally I am fighting things only I can see and hear, which makes it all the more challenging. I am not going to give up though! I am prepared this time for when I falter, it is lesson I must learn for a higher purpose. I have already won half the battle because I am still here! All the pain and tears are my battle scars and the laughter and smiles are the balm that heals them!
I am the bearer of anxiety
The one that holds the key
To the peace I need
Finding the lock is the journey
I must walk across the fields of loneliness and fear
Searching for salvation
Amongst the barriers that stand in my way
Fighting an invisible force
I can feel but never touch