Those moments when my soul tells me to start writing and I resist……internal battle of epic proportions ensues. I know deep down I need to finally put it in writing but I am flat out terrified. Ashamed of my true feelings due to social norms and expectations, not only from others but from myself. The subject matter is super sensitive and opening that dialogue is one best left for a time in which I am not on the edge. Even saying it loud brings a realness that is raw and emotionally devastating.
This isn’t a story, it’s real life. Complicated emotions and way to many people at the table. The evidence is there in black and white, in memory, and in the truth amongst the lies. Maybe someday soon I will be brave enough…….until then here is another thought I had today.
There is nothing clinical about being a writer and poet, it is art, it becomes a part of who you are! I feel every emotion as if it just happened. I go back to that time and relive it. It can be difficult and emotionally draining, especially if I am not yet healed from it.
The narrative will not change but hopefully the intense emotions behind it will alter as I grow to love myself and be proud of who I am and how I feel. I do not want to feel anger and hate but those are ones I must accept and work through, to learn the lessons set out before me.
People will tell you to look on the bright side, let go, find peace, yada yada and that is stellar advice. Obviously that is the end goal, but you have to crawl before you walk! You have to have the support to hold you up! You have to give YOU time to process and heal properly. No magic or snap of the fingers is going to shorten that journey. It is dedication, hard work, REST, and most importantly you have to WANT IT!! Begin at your own pace, to make peace with your demons, and discover yourself again! Learn from the past, just don’t stay longer than the lesson. Our emotions are not all rainbows and sunshine, happy and uplifting. Accept your shadow self and respect him or her. Know your limits and understand you can not give what you do not have, you can not save everyone.
You are never going to have support from everyone you want, you are going to lose people you love to both death and circumstance. Mourn them and then celebrate the ones you still have! Quality over quantity! Find your tribe and vibe!!