I want you to understand what is it like for me
It is not at all how I thought it would be, every little thing feels like the end to me
Every ache and pain scares me
My days are filled with making memories, in case they are all you have left of me
I want to live the happiest I can be
All while slowly falling into the abyss of misery
I lay awake at night for fear of falling asleep
I cry in the morning, thankful I get another chance to hug my babies
To tell my husband how much he means to me
Maybe this will be the day for another epiphany
An answer to a prayer for what is best for me
I can write what’s in my heart and share it for the world to see
It is important for you to know what life is like with chronic illness you see
Not only for the ones you love but the chance you may face the same adversity
We are people just like you, with hopes and dreams
We fight silent battles that no one sees
We must advocate for ourselves while fighting for our lives
I hope now you understand me
I am coming to the realization that this is how it is supposed to be
I am a cutter, not physically, but emotionally. When I have had enough, I walk away and slam the door in your face. There is usually a warning that one does not heed or sometimes I do it without an verbal explanation. It is the INFP-T in me.
I am not a fan of wasting my time, my energy, and my self respect. I can be the most loving individual or as cold as ice. Admittedly, I often find myself to be passive aggressive and confused about my feelings. I find myself at war with what is right for me versus what is right for the collective.
I have spent a great deal of time focusing on why I do the door slam. There are a ton, just to let you know, but I am going to focus on the one that matters the most to me. I have come to the conclusion that those people “loved” me with conditions. I love without conditions and so I will not accept any less. It has cost me so much but it had to be done for my peace of mind and health. I will be forever sorry for that because I do not like to hurt people. I hope one day for forgiveness. The act of loving yourself completely is an act of sacrifice.
I have finally found my tribe and are surrounded by those who love me without conditions or expectations, I love you all more than you will ever know!
He was not reading a book to me last night as I sat in the tub, tears running down my face. Exhausted, confused, and full of fear. He simply sat there with me and told me it was going to be ok no matter the outcome. We were going to keep fighting, living, and loving!
As I face what might come next, I know he will be there for me every step of the way. He has fought with me and for me, he has held me while I cried and soothed my broken soul. Along with our beautiful children, he is the greatest gift I have ever received! We have weathered many storms and experienced great triumphs. He loved me when I did not love myself, he showed me compassion and care when I did not deserve it, and held onto me when I did not think I could hold on anymore. He showed me that even though I made mistakes, I was a person deserving of his love.
I love you to the moon and back and to deep space beyond, in this life and the next!
•Want to know who has inflicted the most pain on me?
•Who hated me so much that they broke my spirit.
•The person who spread lies about me?
•Who told me over and over that I would never be good enough. Love enough. Or show up enough.
•The person who shamed me for mistakes that can not be undone.
•The one who lied to me and said they loved me.
•The person that told me no one would ever accept me for who I was.
Any guesses so far??
Well after some deep soul searching, sleepless nights, and endless tears…….that person is ME!
Practicing self love and self acceptance, for me, has been the hardest and most painful thing I have experienced so far. I have driven the knife so deep that I ache in places I did not know existed. I shattered my own heart and only I can fix it. The biggest battle I face, is not with my illnesses, but with myself.
I will always be a work in progress, one step forward and two steps back and vice versa. What matters is to keep tending to the wounds I have left behind and the ones still bleeding out. To find the bright spots in a world full of darkness and to be proud of the scars left behind.
Those moments when my soul tells me to start writing and I resist……internal battle of epic proportions ensues. I know deep down I need to finally put it in writing but I am flat out terrified. Ashamed of my true feelings due to social norms and expectations, not only from others but from myself. The subject matter is super sensitive and opening that dialogue is one best left for a time in which I am not on the edge. Even saying it loud brings a realness that is raw and emotionally devastating.
This isn’t a story, it’s real life. Complicated emotions and way to many people at the table. The evidence is there in black and white, in memory, and in the truth amongst the lies. Maybe someday soon I will be brave enough…….until then here is another thought I had today.
There is nothing clinical about being a writer and poet, it is art, it becomes a part of who you are! I feel every emotion as if it just happened. I go back to that time and relive it. It can be difficult and emotionally draining, especially if I am not yet healed from it.
The narrative will not change but hopefully the intense emotions behind it will alter as I grow to love myself and be proud of who I am and how I feel. I do not want to feel anger and hate but those are ones I must accept and work through, to learn the lessons set out before me.
People will tell you to look on the bright side, let go, find peace, yada yada and that is stellar advice. Obviously that is the end goal, but you have to crawl before you walk! You have to have the support to hold you up! You have to give YOU time to process and heal properly. No magic or snap of the fingers is going to shorten that journey. It is dedication, hard work, REST, and most importantly you have to WANT IT!! Begin at your own pace, to make peace with your demons, and discover yourself again! Learn from the past, just don’t stay longer than the lesson. Our emotions are not all rainbows and sunshine, happy and uplifting. Accept your shadow self and respect him or her. Know your limits and understand you can not give what you do not have, you can not save everyone.
You are never going to have support from everyone you want, you are going to lose people you love to both death and circumstance. Mourn them and then celebrate the ones you still have! Quality over quantity! Find your tribe and vibe!!
The situation was so very messed up and out of control
You thought we were avenging angels but nothing is ever that easy
We did everything we could but it was still never enough
Put our kids in danger but it still cut
You told me we were useless and fucked up
Easy for someone who sees no reflection
You looked the other way
Telling me how grateful I should be, does this look like heaven to you
This is my own hell, the one you hoped for me
I am tired and strung out on what could have been
Wondering how I could lose something that was never mine to begin with
All the pain, tearing at my skin, trying to be who you want to see
Well your shit out of luck, this is me
All the broken and whole pieces you choose not to see
Hits to close to home, I know……
Being fake tends to make you lose yourself, as you pretend that you have it all figured out
It is easy to see what you want to see, no one ever truly knows
I still have nightmares about it you know, the devil comes to torment me
I sometimes believe it was you who sent him to me, punishment you see
This is what happens when you give your all but you just can not save them all
I hope what you did, fades from my memory
As you did from my life
The reasons are like the seasons
One day I hope forgiveness finds us both
Tears won’t sting my eyes
Concerning all the lies
All the pain trapped deep inside
Yesterday I lied, when I said I was alright
Somethings can’t be erased
The scars etched deep within the skin
Forever frozen in time
I never knew my heart could break this way
Maybe, in some way, it will mend again
And we can begin again