Nov. 15, 2016
I feel the heaviness creeping in, like suffocating while still breathing. I try and hold on to what makes me happy, yet I feel that it will all disappear. I can’t figure our where it comes from or how to even fix it. I am on the edge, teetering out of balance, afraid of the fall. Knowing it is inevitable, how will I survive this time? My mind sometimes is not my own, it wonders into the darkness. Lost in memories and confusion, lost in the moment. My heart yells for me to fight, beating uncontrollably. Sadness begins choking me from the inside, tears of frustration, born out of the loneliness of fighting within myself. Why is it never enough? Why do I feel this way? ~Jennifer Steen
3 months before I wrote this, is when I had my first “attack” as I call them. It came out of nowhere and was at the time one of the scariest things I had ever experienced.
August 10, 2016
Two days before my family and I left for our cruise to the Bahamas, I woke up in the middle of the night in what I thought was a panic attack. My heart was racing, my head hurt so bad that I could not think clearly. I was shaking all over, struggling to breathe, and confused. I tried taking a bath, took some tylenol, and then tried to lay back down and stay calm. By dawn I was freaking out and crying because my symptoms had not gone away. The next 8 or so hours are a blur, I do remember violently throwing up and speaking all kinds of craziness. Like seriously, anyone who saw me would think I was seriously mental! My hands and arms were numb and my fingers were curling up into my palms on their own, I could not seem to control anything in my body. I was finally taken to my doctor and admitted into the hospital for tests. I told him that was fine, but I needed to be out the next day because I had a concert and a trip to take lol yeah I know, my priorities are unusual lol
What would be the constant case for the next year and a half, labs and tests showed nothing. I was given anxiety meds and sent on my way. For the next few days, I was still on edge and confused by what had happened. But I did not let it ruin my trip and we had an amazing time!
Over the next few months, I continued to struggle with lingering symptoms and crippling fatigue. I would struggle through my daily routine and be bed ridden after any major trip or stressful situation. I was jumpy and chronically confused. I could not remember the simplest of things and became sad and depressed, while smiling on the outside and pretending that everything was fine. I only shared my thoughts with my journal and my husband, here is one those entries….
The sickness within
Let the fight begin
I am already tired of battle
When will it end?
I tell you I am fine
But I am slowly dying inside
This is my life
It’s beautiful but broken
The sickness within~ Jennifer Steen
In December of 2016, I went through a major life changing process, I began to awaken, spiritually and emotionally. It was like the old me falling away and being replaced by a force that as I write this now, I recognize was a metaphysical change to help me cope with what was in store for my life. It would give me the strength and braveness to face my demons and finally step out from the shadows and give my thoughts a voice. Thank you for reading and joining me on the this journey! Part 2 is coming soon so stay tuned ✌🏼💙☮