I am 100% aware of the fact that I do not put all of myself out there. I am holding back, I love it and I hate it. I am desperate to keep something just for me, a part of me that no one else would even begin to want to see.
I still believe that I deserved it, lit the match in a room full of gas
The burn, so sickly sweet
No one will ever understand your broken heart, not one single person but you. It is yours, it beats and breaks and you feel it, no one else does. Mending it is sometimes impossible, I can not imagine anyone in that much pain who has not tried. Leave me to my pieces and please do not crush what is left in your wake.
My self imposed solarity existence is the only way I know how to cope
I never fully understood how it would eventually leave me feeling so cold
The loneliness is my penance to pay
Who would want someone like me in their life anyway
A broken mind
Confused all the time
It is mostly easy to hide
I protect myself while tending to the scars left behind
It is the otherside of illness where you get truly lost.
The before is the ignorance of bliss.
During is a test of all the things you never even knew you had that much in you……..
All wrapped in pain and fear because no matter how tough you are, it is terrifying.
You beg and plead to get to by, to survive, and you think after that everything will finally be alright.
That there will be no repercussions for your suffering
A whole new chapter of the journey is unfolding
Even down on your knees, thanking whomever you believe.
Mine is not the kind you find during war time
It is seen through the eyes of watching someone you love die
Hollowing my heart with a knife
After some time an illness arrives
One that brings me to my knees as I beg to die
All the while pleading for my life
The dark circles appear thanks to the fear of closing my eyes
Sleep holds no peace when the nightmares arrive
Robbing me of the control I need to survive
I waste away before everyones eyes
Skin and bones, cold and pale
Once so young, now I look so old
Doctors lined up one by one, only to tell me it is my brain that is wrong
We can not help so on to the next one
Will white sterile walls be the last thing I see
Surrounded by people who do not believe me
The numbness I feel, it is still here
Nightmares and fear, ever present, always near
Welcome to the wreckage of what I have become
I have been practicing a great deal of self love over the past few years, a continuous work in progress. The decisions I made where 100% neccessary and I do not regret them. With this practice I was able to let go of a tremendous amount of stress. I learned that I do not have to be present all the time, that I can say no and not feel bad. I love myself more today than I ever have before.
Along those lines I have learned the art of self care and this is non negotiable. Everyone has different needs and an alternative approach that works best for them. Again, I love that I have not only found my limits but that I respect them.
My one remaining obstacle is self acceptance. Shame has saturated my psyche and it has me in tears often. Now a good cry is the best but not these kind of tears. They are a product of a black and white society in a world of colors and shades of gray. Breaking cycles and toxic mindsets is a journey I will never finish but it’s a marathon not a race.
To all the amazing people who support me and love me, you are forever in my heart and the appreciation I feel can never be expressed to my specifications, so my word will just have to do. Actions are not my forte and I know that goes against the grain but I would not be me if that was not the case lol
Falling to my knees
Screaming for release
Begging for relief
No one hears me
You cursed me
I will break free
On my feet
My heart has been broken for awhile, stitched together, on the mend
Right now the pressure in my chest has me inhaling deep slow breaths and struggling to exhale
Its a weird feeling, like when you hit your funny bone, but it’s not funny at all
If do not keep myself in check I will most certainly cause a flare yet if I hold everything in, the stress will do me in
It is a no win
So I will leak tears out of my eyes one at a time
Respect my emotions and my mind on my own time
For all of the broken hearts
I love you even after the end
Everything hurts today….my head, my body, my heart
Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before I break
Every time I hug my children I wonder of its the last time, so I hug them extra tight
I am sick
Heart sick too
I have made it this far so I pat myself on the back for that, I deserve it
Today just hurts so bad
I needed to tell you
I must learn to live with the loneliness
Try to find the forgetfulness
To accept the reality of nothingness
Embrace the lull of forgottenness
Find love within my brokenness
I want you to imagine a life, a good life. A time filled with fun, addiction, family, and fakeness.
Then one day everything changes, a light goes on while the other goes out. What once was is now fallen away and nothing seems the same.
A search begins for the truth, what lies behind the veil. Is there even one or is it all an illusion, trick of the mind. What is real.
Along the path something clicks and you find contentment amongst the confusion, a place that finally makes sense. A concept that used to not even exist. You think it is over, it is only the beginning. The end of who you are is the target the bullet did not miss.
You believed in your dreams, the visions and voices. When they are on constant repeat it becomes impossible to tell the difference.
Your bleeding heart turns to stone and your body to glass, your soul in ashes.
Visualize this for me.
Take a chisel and start chipping away at the glass. Watch as the cracks begin to form and spread like a virus.
*You are worthless.
*I hate you.
*Find salvation for being who you are.
*You are selfish and a whore.
*Sacrifice your children, you have after all, done it before.
*Get your shit together, no one has time for you anymore.
*We love you but…….but what?
One more hit and everything shatters, millions of pieces, scattered with the ashes. The force smashes the stone into stardust, from which we came, and all that remains of you is a broken mind, a psychotic mess who feels nothing but pain.
In the end I hope some miracles do remain, that all the tiny pieces begin to come together again. Nothing however will ever be the same.
You are a tiny little bird, in a very large cage.
I want you to understand what is it like for me
It is not at all how I thought it would be, every little thing feels like the end to me
Every ache and pain scares me
My days are filled with making memories, in case they are all you have left of me
I want to live the happiest I can be
All while slowly falling into the abyss of misery
I lay awake at night for fear of falling asleep
I cry in the morning, thankful I get another chance to hug my babies
To tell my husband how much he means to me
Maybe this will be the day for another epiphany
An answer to a prayer for what is best for me
I can write what’s in my heart and share it for the world to see
It is important for you to know what life is like with chronic illness you see
Not only for the ones you love but the chance you may face the same adversity
We are people just like you, with hopes and dreams
We fight silent battles that no one sees
We must advocate for ourselves while fighting for our lives
I hope now you understand me
I am coming to the realization that this is how it is supposed to be
I am a cutter, not physically, but emotionally. When I have had enough, I walk away and slam the door in your face. There is usually a warning that one does not heed or sometimes I do it without an verbal explanation. It is the INFP-T in me.
I am not a fan of wasting my time, my energy, and my self respect. I can be the most loving individual or as cold as ice. Admittedly, I often find myself to be passive aggressive and confused about my feelings. I find myself at war with what is right for me versus what is right for the collective.
I have spent a great deal of time focusing on why I do the door slam. There are a ton, just to let you know, but I am going to focus on the one that matters the most to me. I have come to the conclusion that those people “loved” me with conditions. I love without conditions and so I will not accept any less. It has cost me so much but it had to be done for my peace of mind and health. I will be forever sorry for that because I do not like to hurt people. I hope one day for forgiveness. The act of loving yourself completely is an act of sacrifice.
I have finally found my tribe and are surrounded by those who love me without conditions or expectations, I love you all more than you will ever know!
•Want to know who has inflicted the most pain on me?
•Who hated me so much that they broke my spirit.
•The person who spread lies about me?
•Who told me over and over that I would never be good enough. Love enough. Or show up enough.
•The person who shamed me for mistakes that can not be undone.
•The one who lied to me and said they loved me.
•The person that told me no one would ever accept me for who I was.
Any guesses so far??
Well after some deep soul searching, sleepless nights, and endless tears…….that person is ME!
Practicing self love and self acceptance, for me, has been the hardest and most painful thing I have experienced so far. I have driven the knife so deep that I ache in places I did not know existed. I shattered my own heart and only I can fix it. The biggest battle I face, is not with my illnesses, but with myself.
I will always be a work in progress, one step forward and two steps back and vice versa. What matters is to keep tending to the wounds I have left behind and the ones still bleeding out. To find the bright spots in a world full of darkness and to be proud of the scars left behind.