Blogging · health · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized · wellness · writing

๐Ÿ–ค

I want you to understand what is it like for me
It is not at all how I thought it would be, every little thing feels like the end to me
Every ache and pain scares me
My days are filled with making memories, in case they are all you have left of me
I want to live the happiest I can be
All while slowly falling into the abyss of misery
I lay awake at night for fear of falling asleep
I cry in the morning, thankful I get another chance to hug my babies
To tell my husband how much he means to me
Maybe this will be the day for another epiphany
An answer to a prayer for what is best for me
I can write what’s in my heart and share it for the world to see
It is important for you to know what life is like with chronic illness you see
Not only for the ones you love but the chance you may face the same adversity
We are people just like you, with hopes and dreams
We fight silent battles that no one sees
We must advocate for ourselves while fighting for our lives
I hope now you understand me
I am coming to the realization that this is how it is supposed to be

~Jennifer Steen

Blogging · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

This one left a dark mark on my soul…….

The situation was so very messed up and out of control
You thought we were avenging angels but nothing is ever that easy
We did everything we could but it was still never enough
Put our kids in danger but it still cut
You told me we were useless and fucked up
Easy for someone who sees no reflection
You looked the other way
Telling me how grateful I should be, does this look like heaven to you
This is my own hell, the one you hoped for me
I am tired and strung out on what could have been
Wondering how I could lose something that was never mine to begin with
All the pain, tearing at my skin, trying to be who you want to see
Well your shit out of luck, this is me
All the broken and whole pieces you choose not to see
Hits to close to home, I know……
Being fake tends to make you lose yourself, as you pretend that you have it all figured out
It is easy to see what you want to see, no one ever truly knows
I still have nightmares about it you know, the devil comes to torment me
I sometimes believe it was you who sent him to me, punishment you see
This is what happens when you give your all but you just can not save them all
~JuJu

Blogging · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

In All Ways……

Someday
I hope what you did, fades from my memory
As you did from my life
The reasons are like the seasons
Forever changing
One day I hope forgiveness finds us both
Maybe someday
Tears won’t sting my eyes
Concerning all the lies
All the pain trapped deep inside
Yesterday I lied, when I said I was alright
Somethings can’t be erased
The scars etched deep within the skin
Forever frozen in time
I never knew my heart could break this way
Maybe, in some way, it will mend again
And we can begin again

Jennifer Steen

Blogging · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

How Darkness Became My Friend.

I sat in the dark for so long, I got comfortable. I would fumble around confused and run into the walls, literally and figuratively. Over time, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I began to see more clearly. There was a comfort in the darkness, for I could not see my reflection, the self hatred written on the walls. It became my safe place from the spotlight shed upon me, all the judgements faded away behind a black cloud of hate.

I pushed everyone away, fear drove me this way, for I just wished to suffer alone. In the mind, you can not hurt others this way. It is a journey they must find for their own. Why would you want to take others to the depths of despair with you? That was my lonely road to travel alone, or so I believed.

You see, I came upon a mirror one day, and was saddened by what I had seen. A stranger stared back at me, skin and bones, the twinkle in her eyes…..gone. I wondered then how in the darkness, I could see her face so clear. He whispered just then, she is the light that shines with me, for our souls are twins. We are a packaged deal, two for the price of one, and I would say that is not a bad deal. For those like me, who are sensitive you see. The light begins to blind you, and you lose your way. Only then when the darkness descends, are you forced to see things in another way.

To find the light and dark within yourself and adjust accordingly. Do not fear the dark for he will show the light when it is time. Frame the mirror from which you found yourself and display it proudly. You have walked through something many never found their way out of and be ready to go back someday. For the lessons are never really over, this world is to cold to hold onto the warmth forever. You will find the blanket along the way and come out each time stronger than before. Have faith they say, I choose to find it in both places. They are both now my friends, for they showed me the right way.

~Jennifer Steen

*This piece was inspired by my sister Emily, she gives me the courage to keep fighting and to dig deep within myself and find the light within. We have walked similar yet different paths and found each other along the way. Along this journey we call life, we will encounter Angels in our midst, they will shine their light on us, and we will be forever changed. I love you Em and thank you!

Blogging · health · Lifestyle · mental health · music · poetry · wellness

Self Survival and Recovery……a creative reflection.

So let’s just dive in and bring it to surface. This feels like coming back from the brink of death, all the pain, unknowns, brain games, and ever lasting shame. Fighting for your life, hypnophobia, your mind on replay. I love how music is on display, in your darkest hours. The melody touches your soul, like the crashing waves on the coast. My other home, where the sea turns to foam. My feet in the sand, I feel at home. Wishing you were here, to see for yourself, the heaven and hell I’ve been in. My own creation, then invited others in. I write to heal, to have a voice for silenced. To put a smile on someone’s face, changes lives everyday.

It is time to let go and just fly, over mile high. Where the sunset paints a canvas, my star in the sky shines bright. Like falling stardust, a continuous process. Take a deep breath and let the calm descend, if only for a moment, as eyes open wide. Looking back it was a slow ascend to the top, full of clarity, then the bombs were dropped. Like a nuclear attack packed with flashbacks and long lasting side effects. Reflections stare back, unrecognizable to you now. Not sure when you will come back, all those faces to survive. Masks are easy to hide behind, what color defines who you have become inside. Synchronicity begins, its 4:04am, how time never ends. 4:20 is usually my jam, it’s very personal, like a vice. I will talk about it some time, for now I will fix what is going on, right here and right now. Or is this a dream, more like a living nightmare. You awaken and the fog is still there, not like the first time, when everything was so clear. Then it all disappears, cycles away like night and day. Why I am I stuck on repeat, the music in my head writing out sentences. How amazing that would be, put pen to paper, and make history.

Which one will it be? Fear or anxiety……overcoming is never easy. It’s relies on strategy, no playbooks are the same. The mind wanders and misses time, so you play catch up as you try and get by. All you have is today, right now in this moment, amongst the parade. The siren she calls to us all, he is hot on her heels, a game of cat and mouse. Who will win these time? Outsmart the ego and call a truce before they tighten the noose. Suffocation like claustrophobia, crawling within my skin. Poison leaks from the pores, and then the healing begins. A slow speed in the fast lane so to speak. Capeche! Understanding comes with peace, take it from me, seeing clearly is the key. One of many shapes and colors for the locks change periodically. The door stays the same, an imprint on the world, for ALL to see. Even the ground beneath our feet and the trees ๐ŸŽถTwenty One Pilots “Trees” stop and add it to your playlist now!!๐ŸŽถ blurryfaced in the breeze. Like a coat of many colors, I had one when I was 13, how eccentric of me. Anyways its time to go, I will be back soon with another review.

~Jennifer Steen ๐Ÿฆ‰

* I am finally calm now, this is my favorite therapy. The creation of art and using my literary voice. Since my vocal cords only seem to whisper. I wander in this life, all around. I feel quite lost yet found……..it is 5:39am, time to roll over and sleep.

Lifestyle · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

Poem inspired by the Blood Moon and Eclipse

Wow what a sight! So inspiring that while bundled up in my backyard, a story unfolded and here is what I wrote……

The Wolf and The Lady in White
She shines like a beacon
Illuminating the skies
Dressed in white
Brave and unyielding
As she dances in the light
Late one night
A predator is on the move
His shadow descends
She fights to not fade as the darkness overtakes the light
He sets upon his prey
And the bleeding begins
A battle of wills is upon them,
and what a magnificent sight
He underestimates her will to survive
For she will not go quietly,
as she reaches for the light
The shadow ascends
The wolf retreats
The lady in white prevails
We once again dance in the moonlight
As our journeys begin
~Jennifer Steen

Lifestyle · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

My Heartache

The mental anguish is excruciating, frustrating, and debilitating. I smile but it is behind sad eyes, the pain is all consuming. My sensitivity spreads like wildfire, scorching everything in it’s path. I am fighting with everything I have but can not break the surface of despair. Drowning in sorrows that are not even my own sometimes. My heart breaks over and over, sending shards of the remains through my veins. This is what depression and anxiety feels like for me, my very own prison, in which I remain. A vicious cycle of sadness and anger for which I try to escape. It takes planning, prayer, and faith. It requires time, tears, and heartbreak. Eggshells are insignificant as I walk on broken glass, bleeding as the pieces tear at my skin. Add fuel to the fire and I will burn everything around me to ash. Be gentle with me or walk away, every little thing amounts to something so much bigger than one person can take. I will fight for myself and leave others in my wake. I hope one day the wounds will heal and the scars that remain will be a symbol of that strength. To leave others behind will be my greatest heartache yet time heals most things and that is a risk I am willing to take.

~Jennifer Steen