I am 100% aware of the fact that I do not put all of myself out there. I am holding back, I love it and I hate it. I am desperate to keep something just for me, a part of me that no one else would even begin to want to see.
I still believe that I deserved it, lit the match in a room full of gas
The burn, so sickly sweet
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I remember all those days in the rain
When we did not think of the pain
Life was in the liquid
A smile upon your face
Dancing to the rhythm of the rolling thunder
Lightning clouds causing collisions across the skin
Rain, drowning the pain
No one will ever understand your broken heart, not one single person but you. It is yours, it beats and breaks and you feel it, no one else does. Mending it is sometimes impossible, I can not imagine anyone in that much pain who has not tried. Leave me to my pieces and please do not crush what is left in your wake.
My self imposed solarity existence is the only way I know how to cope
I never fully understood how it would eventually leave me feeling so cold
The loneliness is my penance to pay
Who would want someone like me in their life anyway
A broken mind
Confused all the time
It is mostly easy to hide
I protect myself while tending to the scars left behind
It is the otherside of illness where you get truly lost.
The before is the ignorance of bliss.
During is a test of all the things you never even knew you had that much in you……..
All wrapped in pain and fear because no matter how tough you are, it is terrifying.
You beg and plead to get to by, to survive, and you think after that everything will finally be alright.
That there will be no repercussions for your suffering
A whole new chapter of the journey is unfolding
Even down on your knees, thanking whomever you believe.
Mine is not the kind you find during war time
It is seen through the eyes of watching someone you love die
Hollowing my heart with a knife
After some time an illness arrives
One that brings me to my knees as I beg to die
All the while pleading for my life
The dark circles appear thanks to the fear of closing my eyes
Sleep holds no peace when the nightmares arrive
Robbing me of the control I need to survive
I waste away before everyones eyes
Skin and bones, cold and pale
Once so young, now I look so old
Doctors lined up one by one, only to tell me it is my brain that is wrong
We can not help so on to the next one
Will white sterile walls be the last thing I see
Surrounded by people who do not believe me
Oh why, why would I do this on purpose
Shatter my life on the surface
The pieces, cutting so deep, a loss of consciousness
I lie supine soaked in bloody poison
At the feet of a world who hates me
Awakened, cloaked in the sins bestowed upon me
I wash myself clean of all that is expected of me
A fate as I await
The leaves of change
Where will they take me?
The colors surround me
Taking my breath away
The beauty astounds me
Can I stay?
The numbness I feel, it is still here
Nightmares and fear, ever present, always near
Welcome to the wreckage of what I have become
Over the last few years I have meet some super cool people, I think with awakening comes a flux of like minded individuals and its been a great joy to get to know them!
One person in particular has made a creative impact on my life, my friend Daci! I hired her for a photo shoot last year and not only was she cool and chill but she made me feel comfortable and that is huge for me. Vibes do not lie! Her images captured exactly what I was looking for and she nailed it, her talent is legit! Since then when we have communicated, the synchronicity is on point and we often laugh at how the universe pulls us together at the right moment and for the right reasons. Her drive, her spirit, and her determination is inspiring. She has created a community of artists from all walks of artistry with inclusiveness and freedom of expression, I have enjoyed supporting the cause and find that art is the very essence of humanity! It is woven in the fabric of our being and for me, it is a true work of the soul. She has supported me in my poetry and allowed me a platform for my art and I am forever grateful for that! Thank you!!
Recently I reviewed a gift from her of a personalized sketch(pictures in the featured image). Every detail is a piece of my spirit…..the music, the hippy, the galaxy, and my irritation at being late lol and yes I hear the music!
“There’s a natural mystic in the air, and darling you were looking at me with that innocent stare, are you real? Do you feel? And are you really there?” -Tash Sultana “Mystic”
Thank you Daci! Check out Confluent Productions on facebook and Instagram
Capturing what is,
Imagining what was
I want to become a tree
Leave a part of me in the sea
Return to stardust in the skies
So there are pieces of me for heaven to find
I have been practicing a great deal of self love over the past few years, a continuous work in progress. The decisions I made where 100% neccessary and I do not regret them. With this practice I was able to let go of a tremendous amount of stress. I learned that I do not have to be present all the time, that I can say no and not feel bad. I love myself more today than I ever have before.
Along those lines I have learned the art of self care and this is non negotiable. Everyone has different needs and an alternative approach that works best for them. Again, I love that I have not only found my limits but that I respect them.
My one remaining obstacle is self acceptance. Shame has saturated my psyche and it has me in tears often. Now a good cry is the best but not these kind of tears. They are a product of a black and white society in a world of colors and shades of gray. Breaking cycles and toxic mindsets is a journey I will never finish but it’s a marathon not a race.
To all the amazing people who support me and love me, you are forever in my heart and the appreciation I feel can never be expressed to my specifications, so my word will just have to do. Actions are not my forte and I know that goes against the grain but I would not be me if that was not the case lol