Blogging · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

This one left a dark mark on my soul…….

The situation was so very messed up and out of control
You thought we were avenging angels but nothing is ever that easy
We did everything we could but it was still never enough
Put our kids in danger but it still cut
You told me we were useless and fucked up
Easy for someone who sees no reflection
You looked the other way
Telling me how grateful I should be, does this look like heaven to you
This is my own hell, the one you hoped for me
I am tired and strung out on what could have been
Wondering how I could lose something that was never mine to begin with
All the pain, tearing at my skin, trying to be who you want to see
Well your shit out of luck, this is me
All the broken and whole pieces you choose not to see
Hits to close to home, I know……
Being fake tends to make you lose yourself, as you pretend that you have it all figured out
It is easy to see what you want to see, no one ever truly knows
I still have nightmares about it you know, the devil comes to torment me
I sometimes believe it was you who sent him to me, punishment you see
This is what happens when you give your all but you just can not save them all
~JuJu

Blogging · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

In All Ways……

Someday
I hope what you did, fades from my memory
As you did from my life
The reasons are like the seasons
Forever changing
One day I hope forgiveness finds us both
Maybe someday
Tears won’t sting my eyes
Concerning all the lies
All the pain trapped deep inside
Yesterday I lied, when I said I was alright
Somethings can’t be erased
The scars etched deep within the skin
Forever frozen in time
I never knew my heart could break this way
Maybe, in some way, it will mend again
And we can begin again

Jennifer Steen

Blogging · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

How Darkness Became My Friend.

I sat in the dark for so long, I got comfortable. I would fumble around confused and run into the walls, literally and figuratively. Over time, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I began to see more clearly. There was a comfort in the darkness, for I could not see my reflection, the self hatred written on the walls. It became my safe place from the spotlight shed upon me, all the judgements faded away behind a black cloud of hate.

I pushed everyone away, fear drove me this way, for I just wished to suffer alone. In the mind, you can not hurt others this way. It is a journey they must find for their own. Why would you want to take others to the depths of despair with you? That was my lonely road to travel alone, or so I believed.

You see, I came upon a mirror one day, and was saddened by what I had seen. A stranger stared back at me, skin and bones, the twinkle in her eyes…..gone. I wondered then how in the darkness, I could see her face so clear. He whispered just then, she is the light that shines with me, for our souls are twins. We are a packaged deal, two for the price of one, and I would say that is not a bad deal. For those like me, who are sensitive you see. The light begins to blind you, and you lose your way. Only then when the darkness descends, are you forced to see things in another way.

To find the light and dark within yourself and adjust accordingly. Do not fear the dark for he will show the light when it is time. Frame the mirror from which you found yourself and display it proudly. You have walked through something many never found their way out of and be ready to go back someday. For the lessons are never really over, this world is to cold to hold onto the warmth forever. You will find the blanket along the way and come out each time stronger than before. Have faith they say, I choose to find it in both places. They are both now my friends, for they showed me the right way.

~Jennifer Steen

*This piece was inspired by my sister Emily, she gives me the courage to keep fighting and to dig deep within myself and find the light within. We have walked similar yet different paths and found each other along the way. Along this journey we call life, we will encounter Angels in our midst, they will shine their light on us, and we will be forever changed. I love you Em and thank you!

family · mental health · wellness · writing

My life, my kids! Get with the program or get out!

Ok so I feel a long blog post coming on about a subject that many will not agree with or like but I feel it needs to be said, first and foremost it is MY OPINION, you do not have to agree but I would suggest if it offends you, a look in the mirror might be a good place to start.
I will preface it to say that my kids… are just that….MINE! Unless I leave them in your care, you have zero ownership of them. Just because you are “family” does not give you rights to them or that it bestows you access to them. Want to see them, you know my number and where we live. They are underage, you want them to visit you, ask my husband and I first. Period!
Also we know your kids are important to you and the world revolves around them in your eyes. But please, stop expecting everyone to feel the same way. We have our own families, our own lives, and struggles. If someone is absent, consider why and do not bad mouth them to your kids. You are doing more damage than you can possibly imagine. I was told a few months ago that if I did not get my shit together and start making an effort that was acceptable in their eyes, that they would raise their kids to not even know who I am. Go right ahead then, knock yourself out! I bow down to no one who sees fit to threaten me in such a manner. Up until our world feel apart and I got sick a few years ago, I did everything I was socially expected to do and what I wanted to do as often as I could. Then all of a sudden, I am not good enough because I stepped away to protect my kids and myself and to try and fix the brokenness that was left behind. We are still healing and I am still in the fight of my life.
If you want something from me, ASK! If I can not give it to you, ACCEPT IT! Guilting me will only drive me further away.

I have a huge capacity to love and I care for my family deeply but I am under no obligation to constantly be in their lives. If we talk, we talk. If we don’t, we don’t. Start thinking of other people for once and stop making it all about you and yours. See, I am the type of mom who does not give a fuck if you keep up with my kids. I have raised them to appreciate the ones who do make the effort and to be gracious to the ones who don’t. It’s not personal, their self worth will not be based on who makes them feel special. They need to learn that they can stand on their own two feet and that while they are important, it should never be based on someone else. We, the parents, are the ones that are there for the special moments and if others want to be involved that is fantastic. Yet for the ones that can’t or don’t for whatever reason is not a baseline for how they feel about your children. Out of everything that has ever been said to me, the one that hurt the most, was what a horrible aunt I was because I do not remember birthdays or have not shown up to get togethers in the recent past. That I was unavailable for emotional support and I left them out in the cold. I am at a loss really, I do not remember much of the last year as I struggled with mental health issues and debilitating illnesses all while trying to help my kids deal with trauma and grief. That is where I was needed and where my obligations resided. Period! You don’t respect that, you know where the door is.

What about the birthdays and events they have been left out of. Or the grandpa who spends all his time with the other grandkids and hardly anytime with mine? Yep don’t give a shit! Large families are complicated to navigate and there is no room for this type of nonsense, you are hurting your kids far more than the ones who you claim don’t show up. The big problem also resides in the adults and their egos, strained relationships, and hurtful words. Learn to respect boundaries and move on with your own life. Take care of you and yours and everyone else be damned. You can not control other people’s action and their feelings.

My intentions where never to hurt anyone but alas, I did and I am sorry for that. Yet, I will not take ownership of the fact that others have deemed me unworthy. Continue to place expectations on people and you will find that they will fall away more quickly as your demands grow. Keep throwing fits and making people feel bad because you are not the center of their world, and you will find yourself alone. This is why we have large numbers of children with severe emotional issues because we do not teach them to rely on themselves. Continue to teach them that are entitled and uber special and they will become non functioning emotional wrecks as adults as soon as someone does not include them or make them feel special.

I have zero expectation of my family where my kids are involved and it will stay that way. Expectations lead to disappointment and what you should really be asking yourself, is if the problem resides in you and your emotional issues.

Maybe it was how I was raised that led me to this belief or the fact that I know my own worth and my heart. I can barely keep track of my meds much less what is going on in everyone else’s lives and who’s birthday is when. I am not up for pretenses of faking it until I make it, not my style. If you want me in your life, learn respect and boundaries and I will be more receptive. I do not live my life for anyone but me, my husband, and my kids.

And that is my rant, my opinion, and how I raise my kids. They know who loves them and if you are not a constant in their lives, they love you anyways. Your welcome!

Jennifer Steen

health · Lifestyle · mental health · Uncategorized · wellness

Health and Wellness Progress Report

Hey! So as I am waiting on the first round of tests to come in, I wanted to give you all an update on what has been happening and where I am at on my journey.

Things are improving slowly and positively so while I am still weak and fatigued, my mind is in a much better place. With Omega 3 supplements and adrenal tonic, my brain fog has cleared, my hair no longer falls out, and I have more energy. Hopefully the test results, I will have a clear picture of the damage the steroids did to my adrenal glands. So important message, if you are diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, please find another alternative besides steroids. They will turn your adrenal glands to stone and you will be dependant on those for the rest of your life, I was lucky and caught it in time before it did irrevocable damage. Your adrenals, when insuffiecient, need rest, proper diet, and all natural support! I have gone from two steroid pills twice a day to a quarter of a pill once a day, guys that is huge!

I have been on a no grain, no diary, no soy, no corn, and no processed sugar diet. While as hard and as complicated it is to maintain with all the temptation around me, I have found that I feel better physically and emotionally. My gut issues have all but gone away and my joint pain only flairs occassionally. Consider trying it for a few weeks and see how you feel!

I also have been facing my internal struggles with trauma, hurt, pain, and fear. This one will be a life long commitment and one that will test my emotional intelligence to it’s breaking point. I will not change who I am to the core, because she is a beautiful person, but I can change how I react and perceive the world around me. Not facing my issues did not help my medical issues, it made them worse. Stress kills and damages our immune system. We are so much more than the pain we carry around and only we can change our circumstances. Look inward, pray, meditate, and be grateful for every single good time and every single bad time. They are lessons and a pathway to a fulfilling our life path, or destiny!

I have found a level of patience and an understanding that stress leads me nowhere but down. I want answers but I must trust the universe and the creators plan for me, I surround myself with love and support and just breath. I work on myself, my goals, and becoming a healthier. Being ok with being sad sometimes, and enjoying the happy times to the max!

I want to give a shout out to the first doctor, who ever truly helped me, she believed me and in me, and the weight she lifted off my shoulders was so much more than I could have ever hoped for! When no one listened or believed me, she did and gave me the information and the tools to help myself and I am forever grateful to her! She is brilliant, kind, and one of a kind. If you are needing to find a doctor who will take a natural, holistic approach to your health please do not hesitate to reach out to her! She is based in Trinidad, Colorado and can also work remotely with you wherever you are. Her name is Dr. Ivory Raye. http://www.rayenaturopathic.com/

I also see a local doctor here in the Texas Panhandle who has also helped me immensely and is running the tests that I will be having over the next few months, he is also a chiropractor and is patient oriented and will do whatever he can to help! He also offers a holistic approach to healthcare, his name is Dr. Mike Vennell. https://www.spineandsportswellnessclinic.com/

Your health and wellness is important and I hope anyone struggling and feeling hopeless in their journey, to reach out to me or to my doctors. There are people who are willing to help and I am here for support! Thank you for reading and following me on this journey! I will be updating the blog with the results of my dutch test as soon as I get them.

Jennifer Steen

Lifestyle · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

Poem inspired by the Blood Moon and Eclipse

Wow what a sight! So inspiring that while bundled up in my backyard, a story unfolded and here is what I wrote……

The Wolf and The Lady in White
She shines like a beacon
Illuminating the skies
Dressed in white
Brave and unyielding
As she dances in the light
Late one night
A predator is on the move
His shadow descends
She fights to not fade as the darkness overtakes the light
He sets upon his prey
And the bleeding begins
A battle of wills is upon them,
and what a magnificent sight
He underestimates her will to survive
For she will not go quietly,
as she reaches for the light
The shadow ascends
The wolf retreats
The lady in white prevails
We once again dance in the moonlight
As our journeys begin
~Jennifer Steen

health · Lifestyle · Uncategorized · writing

My thoughts and the lessons I learned

December 2, 2018 journal entry……

I have been chastised for holding onto situations that can not be changed, for staying stuck in the “hurt” and not moving on. They are absolutely right, I was “hurt” so badly and never got closure. I was targetted and bullied and my sensitive nature just could not handle that level of betrayal. Not by people who swore to me they had my back and loved my family. And by those who were only out for themselves and used me as a pawn in their game. My logical side told me to be careful and my heart told me I had no choice but to trust, I needed it so desperately. I have been trapped in my trauma, a slave to the pain and despair. While part of me tried to find the silver lining, to keep going and pretend that I was ok. I was not and even though deep down I knew it, I could never fully face it. Some things are just to painful, it takes time. I could not let go, when in the past I have had no trouble brushing things off and leaving them where they fell. I asked myself why is that? In the wee hours of yesterday morning, I found the answer. It had not been the right time, the story had not been finished. I had not learned the lesson that was laid out before me. I also realized that not everything is meant to be swept under the rug, it is not ok to let people continue to hurt you and for you to stay out of a sense of duty. That standing up for myself and my kids was more important than keeping the peace. Not everyone agrees but I am not here to live other people’s choices. Only mine and I will not always do it in a way that others see fit, I will not always do it in a way that I see fit in hindsight either but my hope is I will learn the lesson, accept it, and do better next time.
I am a victim, I am also a survivor. Resolution does not happen when you want it to, it occurs when the lesson has been learned. Hiding behind the supposed sins of others will leave you trapped in your own personal nightmare for which you will never wake. Call me mental and crazy all you want but make sure you take a cold hard to look in the mirror before you open your mouth. Not everything will be washed away with hollow words hidden behind a fake smile.

In the past five years, I have had no less than 7 traumatic experiences. Most all wrapped up in one situation or another while my mind and body wasted away and the unknown sickness took hold. I know I am not the only one who has been through hell but I am not here to compare traumas and I will no longer let anyone downplay what happened to me and my family. I do not speak about it for victimhood, I speak because two years ago I was given a gift to be able to share my story in hopes of helping others like myself. To stand up for what’s right and speak against those who hurt people to make themselves feel better, for they can not face themselves. I also speak to those individuals hoping they will see the light within their own darkness. I too carry a darkness within me, we all do. When we acknowledge it, we take away it’s power. I too have hurt people but never out of hate or pleasure. My coldness and isolation is a defense mechanism to protect myself and I own the effect it has on other people, however I will continue to use it if I must. I owe them nothing if there intention is to harm me emotionally. Life is to short to hold grudges but I feel protecting ourselves is vital to our health. Not everyone will understand but not everyone matters.
I also write about my journey through chronic illness and pain, why? Because I can and because millions of other people are facing the same situation. They are scared, lonely, and feel like they have gone mad, we are all little mad though, aren’t we? I sure hope so, life gets to boring to be so sane. I want them to know they are not alone and the light is there if they choose to find it. Truth be told I am a hot mess, scared and scarred but still standing, even when dizzy lol

My journey is far from over and I have a lot of work ahead of me, I have amazing people that have stuck by me and put up with my craziness and for that I am the luckiest girl on earth. I love you guys and hope that you know how much you mean to me. Thank you for loving through my faults and tears, in the good times and laughter, and for my imperfections.
Each of us has a story and it deserves to be told if one sees fit to tell it. You will also suffer for it but the rewards will out way the risk in the end. Within suffering their is compassion, and the road to our own redemption. For me that is worth fighting for and I am grateful for the clarity to do so.

~Jennifer Steen