health · Lifestyle · poetry · Uncategorized

Medical update….October 29th 2018

What do I say about today…..words almost won’t display the feelings brewing inside my brain. When did we lose sight of what was in front of our face? How do we face what is hidden away? My feelings are written all over my face, not hidden away in shame. I speak in written word for my voice can not seem to be heard. My soul is in control for she seems to know the way, protecting my heart from what she can not comprehend. Self is who I am and all the beauty she beholds. Egos have no place within, they are hard enough to control. Does this look okay to you? Some just can not open their eyes, their hearts filled with toxins out of control. Amongst the chaos and denials, you find the angels sent to guide you as everything spins out of control. Words have saved me and will continue to do so, my hope is that we find each other and take back our control. ~Jennifer Steen

After getting repeatedly told to “just deal” and being blown off, I sought out a naturopathic doctor to help me find a better way to live and try to finally find out what the hell is wrong with me. After an eye opening and comfortable appointment, I felt optimistic that I could find a way to get answers and that one of my doctors here in Texas would help with labs.

I had that appointment today with my endocrinologist and it did not go well. He refused to order recommended tests (by amazing said doctor) and that he saw no evidence to warrant these tests….say that again? Oh and he did say it again along with verbally arguing with my husband about his credentials and the fact that he was the doctor. No shit sherlock, the plaques on your wall say so but your attitude and ego need a ton of work. I will absolutely not have someone like that in charge of my care, it has been made very clear to me the direction they are trying to go and that they are grasping at straws. I will save them the trouble, I have no problem admitting my mental health issues and am currently dealing with them appropriately. No one has yet to have the guts to say it to my face, because a serious medical issue is written all over my face. I get that answers have to be sought but as natural order goes, to find them you have to search EVERYTHING and EVERYWHERE! I believe that is common knowledge that makes common sense, right?! My case is complex and requires out of the box thinking, just like me. Thankfully I found an amazing angel doctor who was sent to help me and now I am going to follow that path after so many different trails. I have already began the process of diet changes and supplements and it has helped. We are going to figure this out and the war will have made perfect sense.

“I walk through the fire in silent screams until I wake, then swim in the healing waters for some rest”.

I know I have not given a medical update in awhile, it has been a bit hard to share that part. So much unknown and fear, while I am better in some ways than before. There is something really wrong, I can feel it, I can see it and I just want to know how to possibly fix it. I do not believe that is to much to ask for. As I typed this my young son just looked over at me and said “mommy I am so sorry you are sick”. Be still my heart and then it breaks a bit more, this is all he has ever known. I want more for the both of us, for my family and friends. Thank you all for taking this journey with me, for the love and support. For the prayers, good vibes, and kind words. I love you all ✌🏼❤🕉

PS. I wrote this yesterday and felt like I needed to sleep on it and give my emotions a rest. No matter what happens I am blessed beyond measure! Thankful and appreciative! Loved and lost! I am a better for this journey, this struggle, and even on my knees I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me…..

health · Lifestyle · poetry

To enjoy the days…..

There are so many reasons why I went away. I simply could not manage day to day. Locked away inside my tainted haven. Coping with what was beyond comprehension. I have to protect myself as I struggle to survive in this world. Energies hitting me from all sides. Draining my spirit while my soul swims in white light. My mind works overtime just like the machines of this time. Filtering all the vibes takes more time while my body declines. It is all connected….the heart, body, soul, and mind. I go at my pace now after falling so far behind. Living in the moment as if it’s my last time. Loving has saved me and losing has taught me. I do not see what many others believe to be. I believe in what I feel, think, and see. The beauty all around me and the good in all you see. That is the best life for me, full of music and the sea. Mountains and plains as far as the eye can see. I am finding my home and getting lost on the way. Endless journeys through space and time, leaving miracles in it’s wake. ~Jennifer Steen

health · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

The sickness part 3

To be weak
Is to be strong
To dry your eyes
Is because you have no more to cry
To walk alone
Is to know your way
To be tired
Is because you have lived
To fall apart
Is because you where once whole
The pain
Is because you feel
The darkness
Is because of the light~ Jennifer Steen

August 2017
So while I had not had anymore major episodes or issues, I began to notice that my stomach would swell after I ate. I was rapidly losing weight and food was making me sick. Three months in, it was discovered that my gallbladder was dying. A few days before Thanksgiving, I had it taken out.
I recovered and tried to get back to normal but that was not to be.
On December 1, 2017, I woke up with a headache, dizzy, and nauseated. By the time I got up and made it into the kitchen, my world suddenly tilted on its axis. The pain exploded in my head and spread through every nerve in my body. I hit my knees as soon as I could and laid in a fetal position on the floor for roughly 30 minutes. All I could do was lay there and pray this was not what was to become of me. Praying for help, for answers, and for my family. This is not a burden I ever wanted for them. My 12 year old daughter was home from school that day and I will never forget the look on her face when she found me on the floor. She sat with me and held my hand until I could properly function again.

Over the next few months, I had smaller episodes like this but none as severe, mostly dizziness and lose of balance. On February 5th, 2018, I collapsed one morning on my bedroom floor. For the first time the numbness was replaced by almost indescribable pain. I was struggling to breath and could not even pick myself off the floor. I was rushed by ambulance to the local hospital, by this time, the pain had lessened but I was still in panic mode trying to calm myself down. The good old doc told me it was ONLY a panic attack and blew me off. I begged him to listen to me but he did not. I cried so much, it was like a part of my spirit died in that moment.
Why would no one help me?
Why was I being ignored?
Did they really think I was making this up?
Over exaggerating?
Well as you will come to find out in part 4, what was going on was very serious and very real. Thank you all for reading and taking this journey with me!

health · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

My Darkest Insecurities and Truths

Hey everyone! So this is probably the most exposed I have ever been on a public forum for more than just friends and family to see. Scroll down to the bottom of this post and there are a set of 4 pictures that visually explain what I am about to explain in words. This idea came to me after a painful confrontation with someone I love immensely, it was sudden and unexpected. I did understand where this person was coming from but it brought up a avalanche of emotions and I felt it was a form of control. Shaming me for only thinking of myself and doing what ever I wanted, even though that is the far from the truth. I was told I was SELFISH for posting on facebook about my struggles, past and present, and not thinking about the effects it would have on my husband and kids. How I was jeopardizing their futures by them being linked to a former drug addict and someone currently dealing with depression. Would my kids friends parents still let their children come to my house and stay? Would a future employer not hire my husband because of the content of my facebook? Honestly I had never thought of these things and so I asked them and they told me they were proud of me and if anyone wanted to judge them based on me that they did not want those people in their lives. WOW I am a lucky woman and so humbled by their love and trust in me.

In the days after dealing with my feelings and thinking long and hard about how I was going to deal with it, this vision kept popping up in my head and would not go away! It felt important to visually tell my story and share a very personally part of myself. I am not the only one who deals with insecurities and I want to give a voice to all of us! All of these words have been used to describe me to my face in the last year or so, two of these are my reality! They are who I am……sensitive and sick. I am a highly sensitive person, an empath and I suffer from several different ailments, some unknown as of now since they are autoimmune disorders presumably. What I do know is I have adrenal insufficiency, adrenal fatigue, hyporeninemic hypoaldosteronism, and depression. I got my diagnosis in May of this year and I have been battling the effects for the last two years or so. It is extremely rare for someone to have HRHA with no known chronic kidney disease or cancer, I have neither. I will discuss more about that in another post so let’s get back to it.

I have already discussed my feelings of selfishness for finally stepping into who I was always supposed to be, my mission, and focusing solely on my wants and needs. So now I will talk about shame…..oh boy this one is a doozy folks! I still can not talk about all of the shame I hold deep inside but I have dealt with them on a personal basis and there are just some things that are better left between me and the powers that be, at least for now. I will however talk about the shame I feel for all the things I did under the influence of meth, for the people I deceived, the people I hurt, and the trust that was lost. Drug addiction is a terrible thing and changes who you are, the way you think, and your perception of the world around you. I have been clean for over 10 years now!

I have heard that you find your strengths in your weaknesses and I would have to agree! My chronic illness has made my body so weak yet my mind is stronger than ever now, it did not used to be that way. When my body was healthy I was admittedly weak minded in a sense. I never stood up for myself, I let people bully me, and did things the easy way. I mean I can be kinda lazy so easy is the way to go lol. I have learned a lot about myself through this journey and just because others see me as a pushover, I just know when its worth my time and energy and when it is not. There is no use trying to get people see the best things about you when they only want to see the worst.

My feelings of worthlessness were first born from the loss of my dad when I was 5 years old. Just months before his apparent suicide I begged him not to leave me and promise me that I would see him again. That never happened……I felt as though I was not enough for him to stick around, I was a child, a very lost and sad child. Growing up I was bullied and told I was a waste of space and I should just join my dad, when I was 21 I almost did. This feeling has followed me around most of my life but is diminishing rapidly with the love of my husband, my kids, and in facing my illness. When you find yourself fighting for your life, you suddenly realize just how worthy you are.

In closing I will leave you with a poem I wrote in September of 2017

You know those moments in time
Replayed over and over
In your mind
Like being frozen in time
A prisoner to your fate
Silence is the key
For they don’t hear me
All the voices inside
With so much at stake
There is just so much to take
Done with the fight
Because there is little left inside
Peace is my answer
And to live the best life
Be the Phoenix
Out of your own ashes
And let your voice take flight
Jennifer Steen