Blogging · family · Lifestyle · mental health · Uncategorized · wellness · writing

Realization 102

I am a cutter, not physically, but emotionally. When I have had enough, I walk away and slam the door in your face. There is usually a warning that one does not heed or sometimes I do it without an verbal explanation. It is the INFP-T in me.

I am not a fan of wasting my time, my energy, and my self respect. I can be the most loving individual or as cold as ice. Admittedly, I often find myself to be passive aggressive and confused about my feelings. I find myself at war with what is right for me versus what is right for the collective.

I have spent a great deal of time focusing on why I do the door slam. There are a ton, just to let you know, but I am going to focus on the one that matters the most to me. I have come to the conclusion that those people “loved” me with conditions. I love without conditions and so I will not accept any less. It has cost me so much but it had to be done for my peace of mind and health. I will be forever sorry for that because I do not like to hurt people. I hope one day for forgiveness. The act of loving yourself completely is an act of sacrifice.
I have finally found my tribe and are surrounded by those who love me without conditions or expectations, I love you all more than you will ever know!
~Jenn

Blogging · family · Lifestyle · Uncategorized · wellness · writing

Love

He was not reading a book to me last night as I sat in the tub, tears running down my face. Exhausted, confused, and full of fear. He simply sat there with me and told me it was going to be ok no matter the outcome. We were going to keep fighting, living, and loving!
As I face what might come next, I know he will be there for me every step of the way. He has fought with me and for me, he has held me while I cried and soothed my broken soul. Along with our beautiful children, he is the greatest gift I have ever received! We have weathered many storms and experienced great triumphs. He loved me when I did not love myself, he showed me compassion and care when I did not deserve it, and held onto me when I did not think I could hold on anymore. He showed me that even though I made mistakes, I was a person deserving of his love.
I love you to the moon and back and to deep space beyond, in this life and the next!

family · mental health · wellness · writing

My life, my kids! Get with the program or get out!

Ok so I feel a long blog post coming on about a subject that many will not agree with or like but I feel it needs to be said, first and foremost it is MY OPINION, you do not have to agree but I would suggest if it offends you, a look in the mirror might be a good place to start.
I will preface it to say that my kids… are just that….MINE! Unless I leave them in your care, you have zero ownership of them. Just because you are “family” does not give you rights to them or that it bestows you access to them. Want to see them, you know my number and where we live. They are underage, you want them to visit you, ask my husband and I first. Period!
Also we know your kids are important to you and the world revolves around them in your eyes. But please, stop expecting everyone to feel the same way. We have our own families, our own lives, and struggles. If someone is absent, consider why and do not bad mouth them to your kids. You are doing more damage than you can possibly imagine. I was told a few months ago that if I did not get my shit together and start making an effort that was acceptable in their eyes, that they would raise their kids to not even know who I am. Go right ahead then, knock yourself out! I bow down to no one who sees fit to threaten me in such a manner. Up until our world feel apart and I got sick a few years ago, I did everything I was socially expected to do and what I wanted to do as often as I could. Then all of a sudden, I am not good enough because I stepped away to protect my kids and myself and to try and fix the brokenness that was left behind. We are still healing and I am still in the fight of my life.
If you want something from me, ASK! If I can not give it to you, ACCEPT IT! Guilting me will only drive me further away.

I have a huge capacity to love and I care for my family deeply but I am under no obligation to constantly be in their lives. If we talk, we talk. If we don’t, we don’t. Start thinking of other people for once and stop making it all about you and yours. See, I am the type of mom who does not give a fuck if you keep up with my kids. I have raised them to appreciate the ones who do make the effort and to be gracious to the ones who don’t. It’s not personal, their self worth will not be based on who makes them feel special. They need to learn that they can stand on their own two feet and that while they are important, it should never be based on someone else. We, the parents, are the ones that are there for the special moments and if others want to be involved that is fantastic. Yet for the ones that can’t or don’t for whatever reason is not a baseline for how they feel about your children. Out of everything that has ever been said to me, the one that hurt the most, was what a horrible aunt I was because I do not remember birthdays or have not shown up to get togethers in the recent past. That I was unavailable for emotional support and I left them out in the cold. I am at a loss really, I do not remember much of the last year as I struggled with mental health issues and debilitating illnesses all while trying to help my kids deal with trauma and grief. That is where I was needed and where my obligations resided. Period! You don’t respect that, you know where the door is.

What about the birthdays and events they have been left out of. Or the grandpa who spends all his time with the other grandkids and hardly anytime with mine? Yep don’t give a shit! Large families are complicated to navigate and there is no room for this type of nonsense, you are hurting your kids far more than the ones who you claim don’t show up. The big problem also resides in the adults and their egos, strained relationships, and hurtful words. Learn to respect boundaries and move on with your own life. Take care of you and yours and everyone else be damned. You can not control other people’s action and their feelings.

My intentions where never to hurt anyone but alas, I did and I am sorry for that. Yet, I will not take ownership of the fact that others have deemed me unworthy. Continue to place expectations on people and you will find that they will fall away more quickly as your demands grow. Keep throwing fits and making people feel bad because you are not the center of their world, and you will find yourself alone. This is why we have large numbers of children with severe emotional issues because we do not teach them to rely on themselves. Continue to teach them that are entitled and uber special and they will become non functioning emotional wrecks as adults as soon as someone does not include them or make them feel special.

I have zero expectation of my family where my kids are involved and it will stay that way. Expectations lead to disappointment and what you should really be asking yourself, is if the problem resides in you and your emotional issues.

Maybe it was how I was raised that led me to this belief or the fact that I know my own worth and my heart. I can barely keep track of my meds much less what is going on in everyone else’s lives and who’s birthday is when. I am not up for pretenses of faking it until I make it, not my style. If you want me in your life, learn respect and boundaries and I will be more receptive. I do not live my life for anyone but me, my husband, and my kids.

And that is my rant, my opinion, and how I raise my kids. They know who loves them and if you are not a constant in their lives, they love you anyways. Your welcome!

Jennifer Steen

family · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Just figure it out already!

Early last year I thought I had everything figured out, finally lol, but reality gave me a huge wake up call. I in fact had only begun to scratch the surface of understanding. Facing my past, how it affects my present, and ultimately my future. In a race to make my dreams a reality, I quickly lost sight of the big picture. I became unfocused, scared, and depressed. My family almost feel apart and I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I failed, plain and simple, and that was what bothered me the most. I failed my children, my friends, my family, and myself.

I often ask myself what was the purpose of this? Why was this happening to me? Was it for clarity, punishment, karma, etc. At this point, I still do not have all the answers but my best answer is I had to learn a lesson, a hard one. One that tested everything I thought I knew about the world, the people in it, and most importantly myself. I can only do so much at a time, I can not save everyone, and my place in this world is in the present. Do I have more to give? Yes! Is the future important? Yes! Do I have to be successful to matter? Depends on ones definition of success, for me, it is getting out of bed each day and facing the challenges presented to me.

My chronic pain, my anxiety, when is the next time I will pass out and give myself a concussion for reasons still unknown and will my kids be there to see it again. When will I find the strength to do what needs to be done to find the purest form of myself, the happy medium I desperately want and need? Well truthfully it has to come from within, this I know, and understand.

The challenge is wading through the years of social conditioning and releasing the bindings to people and situations that only serve to drag me down. It is a battle of wills and personally I am fighting things only I can see and hear, which makes it all the more challenging. I am not going to give up though! I am prepared this time for when I falter, it is lesson I must learn for a higher purpose. I have already won half the battle because I am still here! All the pain and tears are my battle scars and the laughter and smiles are the balm that heals them!

I am the bearer of anxiety
The one that holds the key
To the peace I need
Finding the lock is the journey
I must walk across the fields of loneliness and fear
Searching for salvation
Amongst the barriers that stand in my way
Fighting an invisible force
I can feel but never touch

~Jennifer Steen

✌🏼🖤

family · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Hard days and wondering nights

So it seems I have had a little bit of writers block. Maybe? Or I am just taking things at my pace for once….not sure yet but such is how my mind works. Never knowing between my head and my heart. They both hurt, so they are limping along the way.

Things have been hard. Like really hard. I am still sick more often than not. I am bone tired and bewildered. I truly feel like Alice in Wonderland but with a mountain of responsibilities and so many different paths to travel all at the same time. How in the heck am I going to stay true to who I am and what I need? That is not selfish! The best thing we can do for others is to do for ourselves first. So we can be present and aware. Even through the pain and suffering, setbacks, mishaps…….. perhaps 🤷‍♀️

In the Wonderland of my mind
Like Alice
Seeking absolution
The White Rabbit
Leading me into the abyss
Falling down a black hole
Fighting my way out
The potion
Transforming me
My favorite caterpillar
Wasting the memories away
The Mad Hatter
The craziness within
The Red Queen
The darkness within
The White Queen
The light that shines within
We are all but a memory now
In Wonderland
~Jennifer Steen

I am desperately trying to live in both realities. I dreamed of this while in Florida last January. Being pulled into two different dimensions and everyone vying for me on each side. I have previously kept a dream journal, I do not remember mine much anymore, so it has not been used in some time. Here is that entry-

New years eve- kept astral projecting and could not control it. I would be in a location(cabin full of people) and then go into a trance but my mind would be somewhere else. I would come back and everyone just acted like it was no biggie or annoying. People drinking, deer killing themselves by hitting large doors and fences walling off a compound. Terry was there and kept an eye on me, Josh seemed annoyed, and everyone else just acted weird. When I was in the other realm everyone ignored me and always a conflict going on. Had 3 dreams separately but each one picked up where the other stopped

Hope you enjoyed that journey into my dream lol that is the first time I have ever shared one publicly. Feel special, because YOU ARE!! Anyways, I do not take that a good or bad thing just unusual.

Physically I am suffering, mentally is a 50/50. My brain is sound but the nerves may not be, we will see soon. Emotionally scarred but intellegant enough to know the difference between innocence and intent. I do not need to be coddled, just treat me as me. With care and with caution, especially of you think I am still the old me.

These hard days and nights, give me fright, I can not lie. My days are filled with coping and being as present as possible. Taking pictures, writing, trying to potty train a stubborn three year old 🤣 keeping up with two teenagers and an endless supply of fresh drama 🤦‍♀️

At night I lay awake, meditating my worries away. Saving some for another day, a day where I feel well and able to face the day. It is a coping mechanism you see, it works for me. It seems not so much for others I see. I am very sorry, I mean no harm. I just do not have time for bullshit and empty words are just not for me. I love you all really, just give me some time or simply help and you will see. No expectation leads to no disappointment in only some cases. Expect greatness and watch it come to be. Do not however expect from others. Take what you are given and be grateful, most do not turn away to hurt you. Even so, do no harm. They are on another path, let them go until if and when it is time to meet again. Not everyone is good for each other, we change like the tides 🌊 that brings me to my love of the ocean, I miss you dear friend! I am trying so hard to get closer to you, at this point even the mountains would do, I live them just as much as I love you! ⛰

Hmmmm looks like no more writers block for me…..thank you all for reading my ramblings and inner feelings. Yeah shit is super hard right know but I will always find the silver sea shells in the white sand 🏝💋

☮Juju🕉

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

She Smiles

You see her smile and act as if her world is alright
But do you know the pain she tries to hide?
It does not mean it is fake
A smile can mean many things
She smiles because she woke up this morning
She smiles because even though she feels like a failure, her kids eyes still sparkle when they look at her
She smiles because she has a good man by her side, who has given his all to be her rock
She smiles because she has amazing people who have stuck by her side and love her for who she is, baggage and all
She smiles because she soaking up every precious moment
Ever hug and every kiss
Bringing her closer to happiness and further away from despair
When she feel so rotten inside
She has to find the places that make her feel whole inside
The people who make her feel worthy
The places that breath life into her soul
And never let them go!

health · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

My Darkest Insecurities and Truths

Hey everyone! So this is probably the most exposed I have ever been on a public forum for more than just friends and family to see. Scroll down to the bottom of this post and there are a set of 4 pictures that visually explain what I am about to explain in words. This idea came to me after a painful confrontation with someone I love immensely, it was sudden and unexpected. I did understand where this person was coming from but it brought up a avalanche of emotions and I felt it was a form of control. Shaming me for only thinking of myself and doing what ever I wanted, even though that is the far from the truth. I was told I was SELFISH for posting on facebook about my struggles, past and present, and not thinking about the effects it would have on my husband and kids. How I was jeopardizing their futures by them being linked to a former drug addict and someone currently dealing with depression. Would my kids friends parents still let their children come to my house and stay? Would a future employer not hire my husband because of the content of my facebook? Honestly I had never thought of these things and so I asked them and they told me they were proud of me and if anyone wanted to judge them based on me that they did not want those people in their lives. WOW I am a lucky woman and so humbled by their love and trust in me.

In the days after dealing with my feelings and thinking long and hard about how I was going to deal with it, this vision kept popping up in my head and would not go away! It felt important to visually tell my story and share a very personally part of myself. I am not the only one who deals with insecurities and I want to give a voice to all of us! All of these words have been used to describe me to my face in the last year or so, two of these are my reality! They are who I am……sensitive and sick. I am a highly sensitive person, an empath and I suffer from several different ailments, some unknown as of now since they are autoimmune disorders presumably. What I do know is I have adrenal insufficiency, adrenal fatigue, hyporeninemic hypoaldosteronism, and depression. I got my diagnosis in May of this year and I have been battling the effects for the last two years or so. It is extremely rare for someone to have HRHA with no known chronic kidney disease or cancer, I have neither. I will discuss more about that in another post so let’s get back to it.

I have already discussed my feelings of selfishness for finally stepping into who I was always supposed to be, my mission, and focusing solely on my wants and needs. So now I will talk about shame…..oh boy this one is a doozy folks! I still can not talk about all of the shame I hold deep inside but I have dealt with them on a personal basis and there are just some things that are better left between me and the powers that be, at least for now. I will however talk about the shame I feel for all the things I did under the influence of meth, for the people I deceived, the people I hurt, and the trust that was lost. Drug addiction is a terrible thing and changes who you are, the way you think, and your perception of the world around you. I have been clean for over 10 years now!

I have heard that you find your strengths in your weaknesses and I would have to agree! My chronic illness has made my body so weak yet my mind is stronger than ever now, it did not used to be that way. When my body was healthy I was admittedly weak minded in a sense. I never stood up for myself, I let people bully me, and did things the easy way. I mean I can be kinda lazy so easy is the way to go lol. I have learned a lot about myself through this journey and just because others see me as a pushover, I just know when its worth my time and energy and when it is not. There is no use trying to get people see the best things about you when they only want to see the worst.

My feelings of worthlessness were first born from the loss of my dad when I was 5 years old. Just months before his apparent suicide I begged him not to leave me and promise me that I would see him again. That never happened……I felt as though I was not enough for him to stick around, I was a child, a very lost and sad child. Growing up I was bullied and told I was a waste of space and I should just join my dad, when I was 21 I almost did. This feeling has followed me around most of my life but is diminishing rapidly with the love of my husband, my kids, and in facing my illness. When you find yourself fighting for your life, you suddenly realize just how worthy you are.

In closing I will leave you with a poem I wrote in September of 2017

You know those moments in time
Replayed over and over
In your mind
Like being frozen in time
A prisoner to your fate
Silence is the key
For they don’t hear me
All the voices inside
With so much at stake
There is just so much to take
Done with the fight
Because there is little left inside
Peace is my answer
And to live the best life
Be the Phoenix
Out of your own ashes
And let your voice take flight
Jennifer Steen