There are so many reasons why I went away. I simply could not manage day to day. Locked away inside my tainted haven. Coping with what was beyond comprehension. I have to protect myself as I struggle to survive in this world. Energies hitting me from all sides. Draining my spirit while my soul swims in white light. My mind works overtime just like the machines of this time. Filtering all the vibes takes more time while my body declines. It is all connected….the heart, body, soul, and mind. I go at my pace now after falling so far behind. Living in the moment as if it’s my last time. Loving has saved me and losing has taught me. I do not see what many others believe to be. I believe in what I feel, think, and see. The beauty all around me and the good in all you see. That is the best life for me, full of music and the sea. Mountains and plains as far as the eye can see. I am finding my home and getting lost on the way. Endless journeys through space and time, leaving miracles in it’s wake. ~Jennifer Steen
You would think he comes like a thief in the night
But he creeps up on you in broad daylight
Hey everyone……so some of you know by reading my previous posts, that I have been sick for awhile now. This period of time in my life had been eye opening and haunting. On top of that, we had some really hard and painful things happen to the kids and everyone in our household at the time. These series of occurances left a silent mark on me, one I did not truly realize for some time. I admit, half of it is solely on my shoulders and am responsible for the mental state I find myself in. Trying to do to much, save people who do not want it, and deal with people who only want to see me fail and suffer. People pleasing and trying to be someone I am not. I also have been working on a series of writings that go back to the very beginning of my life in memories. It has brought up a ton of emotional baggage but also healed me in ways that have helped me move on, I will never be sorry for this! This story is meant to be told and it is the most important thing I have done and will NOT apologize for! Ok got it, I own it, and let’s move on.
The poem below was written when I decided to try medication to treat my depression……
The depression so deep
The chemicals will bring it to the surface
Where the spirit will contain it
And it will be washed away
The illness will remain however
Stuck in time
Ticking like a time bomb
Waiting for a sign from within
To destroy everything in its wake
I need more chemicals now
So I can survive the destruction
Shielding me from the jagged pieces of my broken body
My protective angel wraps his strong arms around me
Leading me out of the remains of my own tragedy~Jennifer Steen
I recognized my depression about six months ago, got medicine, and it sucked. I became an emotionless zombie and found that I preferred to cry instead of not. I wanted to feel, even if it brought me to my knees. Its closer to mother earth anyways, having my head in the clouds is not always the best place for me. I get lost and forget my place in this world, forget my purpose and responsibilities. I quickly weaned myself off these meds(my choice, you make your own based on needs amd beliefs) and knew if I took the proper approach and began to deal with what was going on, that I could find my way back to happiness. Well its not an overnight fix! It takes time, patience, and support…..did you get that last part? Support! From yourself and those who call you family and friends.
Now I am going to speak to potential family and friends of someone going through a mental issue such as depression and trauma. First, do not EVER tell them to “just get over it”. Please….for their sake and yours. I know you miss this person but you most likely brought upon yourself more time away from them. Second, you can not not just call or text once and then give up when things do not go your way. It is NOT ABOUT YOU, god forbid you find yourself in the same position someday and faced with self absorbed people who care not about your well being, only themselves. Third, you do not have to be ugly and say hateful things to get your point across. You just don’t, I promise! Not sure why “tough love” is the approach for somone who is actively seeking help. And last, if you find yourself unable to cope with said person and their “crap” do everyone a favor and WALK AWAY!
I have found myself in these situations with people over the last year and I will not lie, it hurts really bad. I am not mad, just sad. Feeling worthless and no good is not an easy feeling to cope with. I have not forgotten the precious ones who have held me up during this time and been my rock, you guys seriously saved my life! You all make the ugly side of this journey worth it! So thank you to those amazing people and a thank you to the ones who kicked me while I was down, you did not stay around to watch me get back up and I was able to leave you where you belong…..behind me!
Now, to all those dealing with depression and other mental illnesses….I love you guys! Even if I do not know you, I got love for you! Please seek help! It will not be easy, ok? Some of the best things in life never are, you have to fight for yourself and the life you want! You are amazing and you are important! Find what works for you, we all deal with things differently, and stay the course. Even if you get lost, its ok, you hold the map so use it!
For anyone that chooses to not to get help and be proactive, I can not say what will happen or who will stick around but I can say with certainty that things will not get better, simple as that. We are all here for a purpose and I hope you find yours, I hope for happiness and some sort of peace in your suffering. Because without suffering their would be no compassion!
Happy Saturday and happy vibes to all……
Hey everyone! Now that I got everyone caught up and we are in real time, I will share a bit of information about my continued journey through my illness, seeking answers and a plan to move forward.
So I have had an MRI and EEG, all normal! According to my neurologist, I have a beautiful brain……why thank you kind sir! So now I wait for an evaluation on my mental state, here is where things will get tricky I imagine. As I said before in my post about trauma, it is assumed that I suffer from feuge state, I can totally see this as an option based on what I have read. I completely am aware of my unique sense of self and that I can be a chameleon if need be. It has been that way all my life, a way to cope with my surroundings and situations I found myself in, and others I put myself in. Adaptability is a virtue I am happy to have. No shame in that! It is not fake, it is survival.
Being fake is pretending, in full knowledge of ones actions, to be someone you know you are not.
Be real, even in your mental illness! Own who you are and what has happened to you and give it the attention it deserves, then let it GO! Not forget, just put away, so it does not continue to ruin the true you! No one ever got help by being ignorant, so wake up and help yourself. Hopefully you have an amazing support system, like I do, and will not be alone in your journey. Even if it’s just one person standing by your side, it is more than some people receive.
I continue to be open to the findings and will deal with them in an adult way, fits are for babies! However, I am finding it increasingly hard to deal with educated individuals who see themselves as above me in knowing my own body. Exhausting I tell ya! I still have bad days, really bad ones! My mantra is always the same, this too shall pass! Love you guys!
The pain of today
The sins of yesterday
How do we cope with the memories
I dare not say
For all of us are different
We handle in our own way ~ Jennifer Steen
It has taken me days to write this, I have written and then erased and cried until I am blue in the face.
This was originally going to be about my recent neurology appointment and where I possibly go from here but over the last few days, something else has taken over my mind and my soul is telling me to share it so here we go. Yes it does have something to do with said appointment. Here we go…..
Ok so we all know what trauma is correct?
trauma – a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.
To be in such a dark place
Is scarier than anything I have ever faced
To feel the enemy but not able to see it
The weight of the grief
With no end in sight ~Jennifer Steen
Now did I know I had suffered traumas in my past? Yes, I have been working through them. I have talked to counselors, gone to therapy groups, and really worked to create a safe environment for myself. I began to write nearly two years ago and that has been an amazing therapeutic tool for me. So why am I here, writing about something I seem to have faced? Well it’s because I am not facing the current trauma that is my everyday life.
Please do not get things twisted, I have an amazing life and I cherish every damn day as if its my last. And there it is, the aha moment I could not see until it was pointed out to me. Can you imagine having the mindset that you might not have tomorrow because you are sick today? To have experienced medical emergencies so scary that you wondered if you would survive it? Your life flashes before you, all the things you have done and have yet to do, the things you left unsaid. How in the world could that not leave a mark, an imprint on someone’s psyche? It does, and each of us handle this in different ways! No one person is the same in their journey, even if we take it together.
Each of us is designed to deal with traumas, milestones, and life in general in a multitude of ways. The key is finding your own way. And know that it will take time and effort to work through, it is a marathon not a sprint!
I have been experiences some strange symptoms in the last year and my endocrinologist was so worried and by his own admission, stumped as to why, that he sent me to a neurologist for a second opinion. What an experience that was! Ok so my brain is quote “beautiful and healthy” docs own words. Yay! So what is the problem then? Why am I having significant memory lapses? Why can I not remember conversations or questions that were just asked? Why when I walk, do I just run into walls for no apparant reason? Why can I be in a conversation and go completely blank? Like I can not even answer basic questions. Why am I in a constant state of emotional upheaval? TRAUMA. Not long ago trauma but current trauma. He suspects I am suffering from fugue state or Dissociative fugue which has been linked to severe stress, which might be the result of traumatic events — such as war, abuse, accidents, disasters, or extreme violence — that the person has experienced or witnessed.
Wow ok, this one was out of left field lol my first thought was “yeah I am crazy, that is nothing new”. That is just me trying to lighten up a very serious issue. I am having an EEG done next wednesday to make certain that there are no underlying issues that have been missed. I am also being sent to see a psychotherapist, and I am ok with that. There is no shame in knowing that I can not do this by myself. Having spent the last six months with a diagnosis of a rare kidney disease and significant adrenal insufficiency after a year and a half of fearing the unknown, I have not had time to properly deal with that and all the other outside issues currently on my plate. I have depression and ptsd and I need more help. I spend a great deal of time alone and do not talk in person about what is going on outside my close friends and family, and sometimes not even then do I open up completely. I do not need to be an open book to the world, I need to be an open book to myself!
I am still at war from within. I am a mom trying to raise my kids with their own set of traumas. I am a wife trying to not put everything on my husbands shoulders, because he has enough on his plate. I am the friend trying to be there for my people and still feeling as if I am not enough. I tried to step away and give us all time but that was not recieved well. I was accused of being mean and uncaring of others issues. Let me tell you something, I have a tremendous amount of empathy and never want anyone to suffer. But if you continue to deny your problems and do not take appropriate actions to mend them, I can not help you! If you can not see how much I am struggling and need support, then stay away!
I will never compare my trauma to others, it is a slap in the face to those people. I continue to see others rate their trauma above others and you are wrong in doing so! So stop! We have all experienced levels of trauma and some continuous amounts of trauma and they manifest in a multitude of ways. I encourage those who are currently in this situation to seek help! Be open and honest with yourself and your doctors!
Please be gentle and understanding to yourself and those around you! Look hard within yourself, the answers are there! Same goes for the ones witnessing this first hand with someone they know. There will be some you have to walk away from because they refuse help, that is ok! Your decision likely is not based on how much you love them, everyone deserves love even when they are lost. When you see someone legit trying to get better, be there cheerleader! Encourage them!
Thanks for reading, feel free to share or comment! I would love to connect with you all!
Never let anyone make you feel bad for knowing your own worth! Be your own champion and cheer yourself on, in the good times and the bad. You will never find the validation you seek, if you do not value yourself first. Simple as that!
Let your thoughts flow and do not be ashamed of them, own them! These negative and positive thoughts, give them the voice they are seeking. We speak to be heard, to communicate. These thoughts become art, they become our haven to understanding ourselves and the world around us. They inspire and save lives!
I now decide what I am willing to sacrifice for happiness. I however will never lose myself again, for anything or anybody. Until we start accepting ourselves and others, we will forever be giving up and giving in. ~Jennifer Steen Sept. 12, 2018
We are souls reaching out to connect with something bigger than us. A way to cope and learn to grow in the safety of ourselves and our tribe. Continue to look inward often and put yourself first! Yes you! Then your job, your kids, significant other, etc. Some people are not going to agree with me on that and it’s ok, I get it, truly. It is not self serving at all, its preservation.
*sigh* I realized today that while I am making progress in my journey. I am still stuck putting other things first, instead of me. Everyday life and challenges become overwhelming and complicated. I feel guilt and sadness in my self imposed isolation from what I struggle to face. The pain, the unknown, It is not designed to be easy, we must find the clues in the labyrinth of our minds. You will undoubtedly take wrong turns but there is a way back, even if it’s from the way you came. They are not called second chances for nothing!
So I think that wraps my late night thoughts and ramblings. It is my go to form of therapy to write and it is my gift. I am proud of that gift and honor it! I hope you all do the same, it will change the world, I promise! Thank you for reading!
~Jennifer Steen ☮💙🕉
March 2, 2018
I’m so very scared
A silent foe lies in wait
Within my soul
I slowly die inside
Wrought with agony and pain
Scared for tomorrow
Will I make it to that day?
Or just fade away……
Absolutely no way!
I continue to fight and vibe on my way
When we face our shadows
They all fall away
And we are like the stars shining so brightly, nothing can ever take that away
Now I feel hope and resilience
In the face of my fate ~Jennifer Steen
10 days was all it took. From ER to truly the sickest I had ever been up until this point. It started with a headache that never went away……to save considerable time I am going to list the symptoms that followed, I wrote this list while in the waiting room at BSA
*excessive underarm sweating and dark spots
*dizziness and light headed which led to numerous black outs and a nasty concussion
*foggy memory and forgetfulness
*neck stiffness, swollen throat
*deep painful all over body ache(like a full blown flu)
*tingling hands and feet
*on and off fever
*trouble falling asleep
*sensitive to meds
*heart racing feeling with sweating and chills
*rapid weight loss
*skin changes on my face and legs, large red patches that burn when exposed to sun or lotion
Six weeks. That is how long I lived like this. In a blur, a realistic soul sucking abyss.
“Yet out of darkness was this gift, of vibes and rythmes. Of sight you can not see and words which you can not hear. Touch that you can not feel yet moments that came alive”. ~Jenn
So you can see while reliving the memories, I have gained perspective on the situation. Makes it tolerable to endure when something hopeful and optimistic can come from it.
They ended up telling me what I already suspected, it was an endocrine issue and there was nothing they could do, they tried giving me morphine but I had a horrible reaction to it and thus solidifying that I would no longer take prescription meds to handle my pain. My body was shutting down slowly and it was only a matter of time, I knew if I did not figure out what was wrong that I would not make it at the rate I was going. It was time for a change and to get down to the bottom of what was happening and why.
I was referred to an endocrinologist and that is where I started to get some answers. He originally thought I had Addison’s disease but turns out I have something even more rare. Hyporeninemic Hypoaldosteronism, meaning my kidneys do not make enough of an enzymes called renin which decreases the aldosterone in my adreanal glands. This disease is seen in people with chronic kidney failure and end stage cancer, I have neither. Leave it to me to be difficult huh? I have had numerous scans and tests and so far nothing else has came up. I take a steroid twice a day and it has helped thank goodness! Hoping after my neurologist visit, I can find a functional medicine doctor to run more extensive tests. I have chronic kidney stones and rashes that pop up and then go away. I tested negative for lupus. So far no thyroid disease put I do have a goiter on my right thyroid gland. I have also been experiencing slurred speech, balance and memory issues, and stomach problems. I am still fatigued and sick often but it is getting better with proper rest, food, and a positive mindset!
I will be coming back and updating as I get information and of course I will share how I am feeling from time to time. The support and love for me and my family has been a blessing to us and we will never forget it, thank you all so much!!
Early last year I thought I had everything figured out, finally lol, but reality gave me a huge wake up call. I in fact had only begun to scratch the surface of understanding. Facing my past, how it affects my present, and ultimately my future. In a race to make my dreams a reality, I quickly lost sight of the big picture. I became unfocused, scared, and depressed. My family almost feel apart and I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I failed, plain and simple, and that was what bothered me the most. I failed my children, my friends, my family, and myself.
I often ask myself what was the purpose of this? Why was this happening to me? Was it for clarity, punishment, karma, etc. At this point, I still do not have all the answers but my best answer is I had to learn a lesson, a hard one. One that tested everything I thought I knew about the world, the people in it, and most importantly myself. I can only do so much at a time, I can not save everyone, and my place in this world is in the present. Do I have more to give? Yes! Is the future important? Yes! Do I have to be successful to matter? Depends on ones definition of success, for me, it is getting out of bed each day and facing the challenges presented to me.
My chronic pain, my anxiety, when is the next time I will pass out and give myself a concussion for reasons still unknown and will my kids be there to see it again. When will I find the strength to do what needs to be done to find the purest form of myself, the happy medium I desperately want and need? Well truthfully it has to come from within, this I know, and understand.
The challenge is wading through the years of social conditioning and releasing the bindings to people and situations that only serve to drag me down. It is a battle of wills and personally I am fighting things only I can see and hear, which makes it all the more challenging. I am not going to give up though! I am prepared this time for when I falter, it is lesson I must learn for a higher purpose. I have already won half the battle because I am still here! All the pain and tears are my battle scars and the laughter and smiles are the balm that heals them!
I am the bearer of anxiety
The one that holds the key
To the peace I need
Finding the lock is the journey
I must walk across the fields of loneliness and fear
Searching for salvation
Amongst the barriers that stand in my way
Fighting an invisible force
I can feel but never touch