Lifestyle · mental health · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

My Heartache

The mental anguish is excruciating, frustrating, and debilitating. I smile but it is behind sad eyes, the pain is all consuming. My sensitivity spreads like wildfire, scorching everything in it’s path. I am fighting with everything I have but can not break the surface of despair. Drowning in sorrows that are not even my own sometimes. My heart breaks over and over, sending shards of the remains through my veins. This is what depression and anxiety feels like for me, my very own prison, in which I remain. A vicious cycle of sadness and anger for which I try to escape. It takes planning, prayer, and faith. It requires time, tears, and heartbreak. Eggshells are insignificant as I walk on broken glass, bleeding as the pieces tear at my skin. Add fuel to the fire and I will burn everything around me to ash. Be gentle with me or walk away, every little thing amounts to something so much bigger than one person can take. I will fight for myself and leave others in my wake. I hope one day the wounds will heal and the scars that remain will be a symbol of that strength. To leave others behind will be my greatest heartache yet time heals most things and that is a risk I am willing to take.

~Jennifer Steen

health · Lifestyle · poetry · Uncategorized · writing

Me on display…..and more to come!

Hey everyone! I know I have shared a lot about what has been going in my life over the last two years. The pain, the sickness, my inner most thoughts and feelings. Things I have rarely spoken out loud about and now I am sharing them for the world to see…. it is really scary and freeing all at the same time. I had a major life changing awakening, three months of journeying, journaling, and then it all came crashing down. Slowly at first then like an avalanche, getting buried inside as you get hit from all sides. A struggled just to survive, I curled up inside and infected my body and mind. My ego and heart collided. Releasing the soul within the vessel I reside.

The extent of the damage is severe, I fight with everything I have deep inside to keep surviving and thriving, then sometimes shut down and revive. When I started writing a few years ago at the very same moment in time, I purged all the feelings inside all the way back to before I was one year old. Again, things trapped deep inside where the deep pain and shame resides. 35 years worth of a life, put on display by my own hand, so I have no one to blame. Fate has whispered my name and this was the plan. My past, present, and future all collided like a flaming supernova from which I came. I lost a great deal of people I still hold in my heart, I broke the chains holding me down and there was devastation in it’s wake. For that I will forever be sorry and must forgive myself and others to truly be awake.

Sounds all kinds of crazy but that is ok! Crazy is sane these days…..makes sense if you choose to look at it that way. So anyways, just wanted to share this with you and thank you so much for reading. There will be much more soon, I am getting better most everyday, healing the fractures that remain. I have so much hope that 2019 will be the year that gold fills the broken pieces and I realize my dreams, for hope is a beautiful thing. Writing like crazy, I have a lot to sort through. Crazy because I never put pen to paper before in my whole life. I woke up a poet one day and as you can see, it has stayed with me, for that is a blessing. Must have been all the stories I read, that live in my head. For the story is never truly over even after The End. ~Jennifer Steen

*The featured image is one of my favorite works of art and I would love to have the concept tattooed as a half sleeve with other elements of my life. It perfectly represents what it feels like to me, the serene resilience, as the war rages inside. If anyone knows who the artist is, I would really like to know! Thank you!!

poetry · Uncategorized

Holding on

I woke up really sad today

Holding onto things I can not change

Maybe I can but it would not be the same

All this time later

I finally process the pain

It aches so much

That it continues to this day

The hurt and the pain

The unspoken words

Like a slap to the face

I reacted in the moment

Now I must pay the price

It will be worth it in the end

We all must walk the road

Trying to not get lost along the way

However it is inevitable

For we all are not perfect

Or completely sane

~Jennifer Steen

poetry · Uncategorized

Poetry and Photography

Winds like a willow
For trees breathe
Like you and me
Soft as the grass
That surely grows
Like you and me
Soothing as a river
Flowing endlessly
Satin rocks
Laid about
For all to see
A bright colored sky
Looking out for you and me
The warm rays of sun
Brightening all the dark
Within you and me
I lay down on mother earth
And am thankful to just be here With you and me

~Jennifer Steen

poetry · Uncategorized

MIA as I find my way

There are so many reasons why I went away. I simply could not manage day to day. Locked away inside my tainted haven. Coping with what was beyond comprehension. I have to protect myself as I struggle to survive in this world. Energies hitting me from all sides. Draining my spirit while my soul swims in white light. My mind works overtime just like the machines of this time. Filtering all the vibes takes more time while my body declines.
It is all connected….the heart, body, soul, and mind. I go at my pace now after falling so far behind. Living in the moment as if it’s my last time. Loving has saved me and losing has taught me. I do not see what many others believe to be. I believe in what I feel, think, and see. The beauty all around me and the good in all you see.
That is the best life for me, full of music and the sea. Mountains and plains as far as the eye can see. I am finding my home and getting lost on the way. Endless journeys through space and time, leaving miracles in it’s wake.

~Jennifer Steen 10-24-2018

Lifestyle · poetry

🖤

As I sit here and try not to cry
I know all the reasons why
I must cry
I am so exhausted inside
My soul has retired for the time
She is battle weary and tired
Finding her place amongst the significant signs in an insensitive feeling world
She tries not to hide the pain in her eyes
Old habits hold on tight
As she tries to survive
The tears will come in time
As the release intensifies
I will stay and fight
Not sure if it’s my call this time
Until then I will rest and smile
Soak up the moonlight
And be thankful for this beautiful life
The tears have finally come you all and I will feel better in time
I love you all the most
Through all space and time
~Jennifer Steen

health · Lifestyle · poetry · Uncategorized

Medical update….October 29th 2018

What do I say about today…..words almost won’t display the feelings brewing inside my brain. When did we lose sight of what was in front of our face? How do we face what is hidden away? My feelings are written all over my face, not hidden away in shame. I speak in written word for my voice can not seem to be heard. My soul is in control for she seems to know the way, protecting my heart from what she can not comprehend. Self is who I am and all the beauty she beholds. Egos have no place within, they are hard enough to control. Does this look okay to you? Some just can not open their eyes, their hearts filled with toxins out of control. Amongst the chaos and denials, you find the angels sent to guide you as everything spins out of control. Words have saved me and will continue to do so, my hope is that we find each other and take back our control. ~Jennifer Steen

After getting repeatedly told to “just deal” and being blown off, I sought out a naturopathic doctor to help me find a better way to live and try to finally find out what the hell is wrong with me. After an eye opening and comfortable appointment, I felt optimistic that I could find a way to get answers and that one of my doctors here in Texas would help with labs.

I had that appointment today with my endocrinologist and it did not go well. He refused to order recommended tests (by amazing said doctor) and that he saw no evidence to warrant these tests….say that again? Oh and he did say it again along with verbally arguing with my husband about his credentials and the fact that he was the doctor. No shit sherlock, the plaques on your wall say so but your attitude and ego need a ton of work. I will absolutely not have someone like that in charge of my care, it has been made very clear to me the direction they are trying to go and that they are grasping at straws. I will save them the trouble, I have no problem admitting my mental health issues and am currently dealing with them appropriately. No one has yet to have the guts to say it to my face, because a serious medical issue is written all over my face. I get that answers have to be sought but as natural order goes, to find them you have to search EVERYTHING and EVERYWHERE! I believe that is common knowledge that makes common sense, right?! My case is complex and requires out of the box thinking, just like me. Thankfully I found an amazing angel doctor who was sent to help me and now I am going to follow that path after so many different trails. I have already began the process of diet changes and supplements and it has helped. We are going to figure this out and the war will have made perfect sense.

“I walk through the fire in silent screams until I wake, then swim in the healing waters for some rest”.

I know I have not given a medical update in awhile, it has been a bit hard to share that part. So much unknown and fear, while I am better in some ways than before. There is something really wrong, I can feel it, I can see it and I just want to know how to possibly fix it. I do not believe that is to much to ask for. As I typed this my young son just looked over at me and said “mommy I am so sorry you are sick”. Be still my heart and then it breaks a bit more, this is all he has ever known. I want more for the both of us, for my family and friends. Thank you all for taking this journey with me, for the love and support. For the prayers, good vibes, and kind words. I love you all ✌🏼❤🕉

PS. I wrote this yesterday and felt like I needed to sleep on it and give my emotions a rest. No matter what happens I am blessed beyond measure! Thankful and appreciative! Loved and lost! I am a better for this journey, this struggle, and even on my knees I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me…..