Falling to my knees
Screaming for release
Begging for relief
No one hears me
You cursed me
I will break free
On my feet
Falling to my knees
Screaming for release
Begging for relief
No one hears me
You cursed me
I will break free
On my feet
My heart has been broken for awhile, stitched together, on the mend
Right now the pressure in my chest has me inhaling deep slow breaths and struggling to exhale
Its a weird feeling, like when you hit your funny bone, but it’s not funny at all
If do not keep myself in check I will most certainly cause a flare yet if I hold everything in, the stress will do me in
It is a no win
So I will leak tears out of my eyes one at a time
Respect my emotions and my mind on my own time
For all of the broken hearts
I love you even after the end
Everything hurts today….my head, my body, my heart
Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before I break
Every time I hug my children I wonder of its the last time, so I hug them extra tight
I am sick
Heart sick too
I have made it this far so I pat myself on the back for that, I deserve it
Today just hurts so bad
I needed to tell you
An ache in places best left to the imagination
That decadence is the sin I live in
Places I try to hide from prying eyes
Holding my wrists tight
I give up the fight
Dirty pleasures done in the shadows
The demons always at my back
Their hollow eyes so bright watching me fall asunder
I give them a smile, rolling my eyes, letting them know I am happily going under
It is, after all, what they are after
The darkness I design is the spark that lights a fire
White wings singed black with the ashes of desire
I must learn to live with the loneliness
Try to find the forgetfulness
To accept the reality of nothingness
Embrace the lull of forgottenness
Find love within my brokenness
I want you to imagine a life, a good life. A time filled with fun, addiction, family, and fakeness.
Then one day everything changes, a light goes on while the other goes out. What once was is now fallen away and nothing seems the same.
A search begins for the truth, what lies behind the veil. Is there even one or is it all an illusion, trick of the mind. What is real.
Along the path something clicks and you find contentment amongst the confusion, a place that finally makes sense. A concept that used to not even exist. You think it is over, it is only the beginning. The end of who you are is the target the bullet did not miss.
You believed in your dreams, the visions and voices. When they are on constant repeat it becomes impossible to tell the difference.
Your bleeding heart turns to stone and your body to glass, your soul in ashes.
Visualize this for me.
Take a chisel and start chipping away at the glass. Watch as the cracks begin to form and spread like a virus.
*You are worthless.
*I hate you.
*Find salvation for being who you are.
*You are selfish and a whore.
*Sacrifice your children, you have after all, done it before.
*Get your shit together, no one has time for you anymore.
*We love you but…….but what?
One more hit and everything shatters, millions of pieces, scattered with the ashes. The force smashes the stone into stardust, from which we came, and all that remains of you is a broken mind, a psychotic mess who feels nothing but pain.
In the end I hope some miracles do remain, that all the tiny pieces begin to come together again. Nothing however will ever be the same.
You are a tiny little bird, in a very large cage.
I feel so dirty
Sin seeps out my pores
Staining the floor beneath my feet
I feel so sick inside
Tired of hiding who I am
Desires of the natural kind
Programming the biology to infect the mind
Love and sex combine
Lust right behind
The push and pull pulses beneath my skin
Shadowed eyes hold the heavy weight of the sin upon my skin
What a beautiful thing, the ancient dance within, sharing desires and the thrills that lies within
Tell me again
That I am an original sin
I may never be able to forget
The whispers still echo within
Remnants of another time and another life
My dirty original sin
The purest kind there is
I am a kaleidoscope of colors who sees in black, white, and light.
I want you to understand what is it like for me
It is not at all how I thought it would be, every little thing feels like the end to me
Every ache and pain scares me
My days are filled with making memories, in case they are all you have left of me
I want to live the happiest I can be
All while slowly falling into the abyss of misery
I lay awake at night for fear of falling asleep
I cry in the morning, thankful I get another chance to hug my babies
To tell my husband how much he means to me
Maybe this will be the day for another epiphany
An answer to a prayer for what is best for me
I can write what’s in my heart and share it for the world to see
It is important for you to know what life is like with chronic illness you see
Not only for the ones you love but the chance you may face the same adversity
We are people just like you, with hopes and dreams
We fight silent battles that no one sees
We must advocate for ourselves while fighting for our lives
I hope now you understand me
I am coming to the realization that this is how it is supposed to be
The situation was so very messed up and out of control
You thought we were avenging angels but nothing is ever that easy
We did everything we could but it was still never enough
Put our kids in danger but it still cut
You told me we were useless and fucked up
Easy for someone who sees no reflection
You looked the other way
Telling me how grateful I should be, does this look like heaven to you
This is my own hell, the one you hoped for me
I am tired and strung out on what could have been
Wondering how I could lose something that was never mine to begin with
All the pain, tearing at my skin, trying to be who you want to see
Well your shit out of luck, this is me
All the broken and whole pieces you choose not to see
Hits to close to home, I know……
Being fake tends to make you lose yourself, as you pretend that you have it all figured out
It is easy to see what you want to see, no one ever truly knows
I still have nightmares about it you know, the devil comes to torment me
I sometimes believe it was you who sent him to me, punishment you see
This is what happens when you give your all but you just can not save them all
I hope what you did, fades from my memory
As you did from my life
The reasons are like the seasons
One day I hope forgiveness finds us both
Tears won’t sting my eyes
Concerning all the lies
All the pain trapped deep inside
Yesterday I lied, when I said I was alright
Somethings can’t be erased
The scars etched deep within the skin
Forever frozen in time
I never knew my heart could break this way
Maybe, in some way, it will mend again
And we can begin again
I sat in the dark for so long, I got comfortable. I would fumble around confused and run into the walls, literally and figuratively. Over time, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I began to see more clearly. There was a comfort in the darkness, for I could not see my reflection, the self hatred written on the walls. It became my safe place from the spotlight shed upon me, all the judgements faded away behind a black cloud of hate.
I pushed everyone away, fear drove me this way, for I just wished to suffer alone. In the mind, you can not hurt others this way. It is a journey they must find for their own. Why would you want to take others to the depths of despair with you? That was my lonely road to travel alone, or so I believed.
You see, I came upon a mirror one day, and was saddened by what I had seen. A stranger stared back at me, skin and bones, the twinkle in her eyes…..gone. I wondered then how in the darkness, I could see her face so clear. He whispered just then, she is the light that shines with me, for our souls are twins. We are a packaged deal, two for the price of one, and I would say that is not a bad deal. For those like me, who are sensitive you see. The light begins to blind you, and you lose your way. Only then when the darkness descends, are you forced to see things in another way.
To find the light and dark within yourself and adjust accordingly. Do not fear the dark for he will show the light when it is time. Frame the mirror from which you found yourself and display it proudly. You have walked through something many never found their way out of and be ready to go back someday. For the lessons are never really over, this world is to cold to hold onto the warmth forever. You will find the blanket along the way and come out each time stronger than before. Have faith they say, I choose to find it in both places. They are both now my friends, for they showed me the right way.
*This piece was inspired by my sister Emily, she gives me the courage to keep fighting and to dig deep within myself and find the light within. We have walked similar yet different paths and found each other along the way. Along this journey we call life, we will encounter Angels in our midst, they will shine their light on us, and we will be forever changed. I love you Em and thank you!
Wow what a sight! So inspiring that while bundled up in my backyard, a story unfolded and here is what I wrote……
The Wolf and The Lady in White
She shines like a beacon
Illuminating the skies
Dressed in white
Brave and unyielding
As she dances in the light
Late one night
A predator is on the move
His shadow descends
She fights to not fade as the darkness overtakes the light
He sets upon his prey
And the bleeding begins
A battle of wills is upon them,
and what a magnificent sight
He underestimates her will to survive
For she will not go quietly,
as she reaches for the light
The shadow ascends
The wolf retreats
The lady in white prevails
We once again dance in the moonlight
As our journeys begin
The mental anguish is excruciating, frustrating, and debilitating. I smile but it is behind sad eyes, the pain is all consuming. My sensitivity spreads like wildfire, scorching everything in it’s path. I am fighting with everything I have but can not break the surface of despair. Drowning in sorrows that are not even my own sometimes. My heart breaks over and over, sending shards of the remains through my veins. This is what depression and anxiety feels like for me, my very own prison, in which I remain. A vicious cycle of sadness and anger for which I try to escape. It takes planning, prayer, and faith. It requires time, tears, and heartbreak. Eggshells are insignificant as I walk on broken glass, bleeding as the pieces tear at my skin. Add fuel to the fire and I will burn everything around me to ash. Be gentle with me or walk away, every little thing amounts to something so much bigger than one person can take. I will fight for myself and leave others in my wake. I hope one day the wounds will heal and the scars that remain will be a symbol of that strength. To leave others behind will be my greatest heartache yet time heals most things and that is a risk I am willing to take.
Hey everyone! I know I have shared a lot about what has been going in my life over the last two years. The pain, the sickness, my inner most thoughts and feelings. Things I have rarely spoken out loud about and now I am sharing them for the world to see…. it is really scary and freeing all at the same time. I had a major life changing awakening, three months of journeying, journaling, and then it all came crashing down. Slowly at first then like an avalanche, getting buried inside as you get hit from all sides. A struggled just to survive, I curled up inside and infected my body and mind. My ego and heart collided. Releasing the soul within the vessel I reside.
The extent of the damage is severe, I fight with everything I have deep inside to keep surviving and thriving, then sometimes shut down and revive. When I started writing a few years ago at the very same moment in time, I purged all the feelings inside all the way back to before I was one year old. Again, things trapped deep inside where the deep pain and shame resides. 35 years worth of a life, put on display by my own hand, so I have no one to blame. Fate has whispered my name and this was the plan. My past, present, and future all collided like a flaming supernova from which I came. I lost a great deal of people I still hold in my heart, I broke the chains holding me down and there was devastation in it’s wake. For that I will forever be sorry and must forgive myself and others to truly be awake.
Sounds all kinds of crazy but that is ok! Crazy is sane these days…..makes sense if you choose to look at it that way. So anyways, just wanted to share this with you and thank you so much for reading. There will be much more soon, I am getting better most everyday, healing the fractures that remain. I have so much hope that 2019 will be the year that gold fills the broken pieces and I realize my dreams, for hope is a beautiful thing. Writing like crazy, I have a lot to sort through. Crazy because I never put pen to paper before in my whole life. I woke up a poet one day and as you can see, it has stayed with me, for that is a blessing. Must have been all the stories I read, that live in my head. For the story is never truly over even after The End. ~Jennifer Steen
*The featured image is one of my favorite works of art and I would love to have the concept tattooed as a half sleeve with other elements of my life. It perfectly represents what it feels like to me, the serene resilience, as the war rages inside. If anyone knows who the artist is, I would really like to know! Thank you!!