There are so many reasons why I went away. I simply could not manage day to day. Locked away inside my tainted haven. Coping with what was beyond comprehension. I have to protect myself as I struggle to survive in this world. Energies hitting me from all sides. Draining my spirit while my soul swims in white light. My mind works overtime just like the machines of this time. Filtering all the vibes takes more time while my body declines. It is all connected….the heart, body, soul, and mind. I go at my pace now after falling so far behind. Living in the moment as if it’s my last time. Loving has saved me and losing has taught me. I do not see what many others believe to be. I believe in what I feel, think, and see. The beauty all around me and the good in all you see. That is the best life for me, full of music and the sea. Mountains and plains as far as the eye can see. I am finding my home and getting lost on the way. Endless journeys through space and time, leaving miracles in it’s wake. ~Jennifer Steen
The pain of today
The sins of yesterday
How do we cope with the memories
I dare not say
For all of us are different
We handle in our own way ~ Jennifer Steen
It has taken me days to write this, I have written and then erased and cried until I am blue in the face.
This was originally going to be about my recent neurology appointment and where I possibly go from here but over the last few days, something else has taken over my mind and my soul is telling me to share it so here we go. Yes it does have something to do with said appointment. Here we go…..
Ok so we all know what trauma is correct?
trauma – a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.
To be in such a dark place
Is scarier than anything I have ever faced
To feel the enemy but not able to see it
The weight of the grief
With no end in sight ~Jennifer Steen
Now did I know I had suffered traumas in my past? Yes, I have been working through them. I have talked to counselors, gone to therapy groups, and really worked to create a safe environment for myself. I began to write nearly two years ago and that has been an amazing therapeutic tool for me. So why am I here, writing about something I seem to have faced? Well it’s because I am not facing the current trauma that is my everyday life.
Please do not get things twisted, I have an amazing life and I cherish every damn day as if its my last. And there it is, the aha moment I could not see until it was pointed out to me. Can you imagine having the mindset that you might not have tomorrow because you are sick today? To have experienced medical emergencies so scary that you wondered if you would survive it? Your life flashes before you, all the things you have done and have yet to do, the things you left unsaid. How in the world could that not leave a mark, an imprint on someone’s psyche? It does, and each of us handle this in different ways! No one person is the same in their journey, even if we take it together.
Each of us is designed to deal with traumas, milestones, and life in general in a multitude of ways. The key is finding your own way. And know that it will take time and effort to work through, it is a marathon not a sprint!
I have been experiences some strange symptoms in the last year and my endocrinologist was so worried and by his own admission, stumped as to why, that he sent me to a neurologist for a second opinion. What an experience that was! Ok so my brain is quote “beautiful and healthy” docs own words. Yay! So what is the problem then? Why am I having significant memory lapses? Why can I not remember conversations or questions that were just asked? Why when I walk, do I just run into walls for no apparant reason? Why can I be in a conversation and go completely blank? Like I can not even answer basic questions. Why am I in a constant state of emotional upheaval? TRAUMA. Not long ago trauma but current trauma. He suspects I am suffering from fugue state or Dissociative fugue which has been linked to severe stress, which might be the result of traumatic events — such as war, abuse, accidents, disasters, or extreme violence — that the person has experienced or witnessed.
Wow ok, this one was out of left field lol my first thought was “yeah I am crazy, that is nothing new”. That is just me trying to lighten up a very serious issue. I am having an EEG done next wednesday to make certain that there are no underlying issues that have been missed. I am also being sent to see a psychotherapist, and I am ok with that. There is no shame in knowing that I can not do this by myself. Having spent the last six months with a diagnosis of a rare kidney disease and significant adrenal insufficiency after a year and a half of fearing the unknown, I have not had time to properly deal with that and all the other outside issues currently on my plate. I have depression and ptsd and I need more help. I spend a great deal of time alone and do not talk in person about what is going on outside my close friends and family, and sometimes not even then do I open up completely. I do not need to be an open book to the world, I need to be an open book to myself!
I am still at war from within. I am a mom trying to raise my kids with their own set of traumas. I am a wife trying to not put everything on my husbands shoulders, because he has enough on his plate. I am the friend trying to be there for my people and still feeling as if I am not enough. I tried to step away and give us all time but that was not recieved well. I was accused of being mean and uncaring of others issues. Let me tell you something, I have a tremendous amount of empathy and never want anyone to suffer. But if you continue to deny your problems and do not take appropriate actions to mend them, I can not help you! If you can not see how much I am struggling and need support, then stay away!
I will never compare my trauma to others, it is a slap in the face to those people. I continue to see others rate their trauma above others and you are wrong in doing so! So stop! We have all experienced levels of trauma and some continuous amounts of trauma and they manifest in a multitude of ways. I encourage those who are currently in this situation to seek help! Be open and honest with yourself and your doctors!
Please be gentle and understanding to yourself and those around you! Look hard within yourself, the answers are there! Same goes for the ones witnessing this first hand with someone they know. There will be some you have to walk away from because they refuse help, that is ok! Your decision likely is not based on how much you love them, everyone deserves love even when they are lost. When you see someone legit trying to get better, be there cheerleader! Encourage them!
Thanks for reading, feel free to share or comment! I would love to connect with you all!
Nov. 15, 2016
I feel the heaviness creeping in, like suffocating while still breathing. I try and hold on to what makes me happy, yet I feel that it will all disappear. I can’t figure our where it comes from or how to even fix it. I am on the edge, teetering out of balance, afraid of the fall. Knowing it is inevitable, how will I survive this time? My mind sometimes is not my own, it wonders into the darkness. Lost in memories and confusion, lost in the moment. My heart yells for me to fight, beating uncontrollably. Sadness begins choking me from the inside, tears of frustration, born out of the loneliness of fighting within myself. Why is it never enough? Why do I feel this way? ~Jennifer Steen
3 months before I wrote this, is when I had my first “attack” as I call them. It came out of nowhere and was at the time one of the scariest things I had ever experienced.
August 10, 2016
Two days before my family and I left for our cruise to the Bahamas, I woke up in the middle of the night in what I thought was a panic attack. My heart was racing, my head hurt so bad that I could not think clearly. I was shaking all over, struggling to breathe, and confused. I tried taking a bath, took some tylenol, and then tried to lay back down and stay calm. By dawn I was freaking out and crying because my symptoms had not gone away. The next 8 or so hours are a blur, I do remember violently throwing up and speaking all kinds of craziness. Like seriously, anyone who saw me would think I was seriously mental! My hands and arms were numb and my fingers were curling up into my palms on their own, I could not seem to control anything in my body. I was finally taken to my doctor and admitted into the hospital for tests. I told him that was fine, but I needed to be out the next day because I had a concert and a trip to take lol yeah I know, my priorities are unusual lol
What would be the constant case for the next year and a half, labs and tests showed nothing. I was given anxiety meds and sent on my way. For the next few days, I was still on edge and confused by what had happened. But I did not let it ruin my trip and we had an amazing time!
Over the next few months, I continued to struggle with lingering symptoms and crippling fatigue. I would struggle through my daily routine and be bed ridden after any major trip or stressful situation. I was jumpy and chronically confused. I could not remember the simplest of things and became sad and depressed, while smiling on the outside and pretending that everything was fine. I only shared my thoughts with my journal and my husband, here is one those entries….
The sickness within
Let the fight begin
I am already tired of battle
When will it end?
I tell you I am fine
But I am slowly dying inside
This is my life
It’s beautiful but broken
The sickness within~ Jennifer Steen
In December of 2016, I went through a major life changing process, I began to awaken, spiritually and emotionally. It was like the old me falling away and being replaced by a force that as I write this now, I recognize was a metaphysical change to help me cope with what was in store for my life. It would give me the strength and braveness to face my demons and finally step out from the shadows and give my thoughts a voice. Thank you for reading and joining me on the this journey! Part 2 is coming soon so stay tuned ✌🏼💙☮